P.S. A Column On Things

The Top 16 Quotes From Animal Mystery Novels (Part II)

I'm back in the comedy business; I made the Top5 List! Everyone should subscribe...

June 5, 2009

12> He crept quietly across the room like a herd of cockroaches in the snow. Suddenly -- a noise! His head snapped to one side like the business end of a locker-room towel. But it was no use; nothing made sense, because he was a bad dog. A bad metaphor dog.

9> "Expectoramus," he shouted, waving his wand. Well, he WOULD have shouted and waved, if he'd had vocal chords and opposable thumbs. As it was, Nick Newt couldn't do much to halt the steady progress the wizard was making towards gouging out his eyes.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Quote From an Animal Mystery Novel...

1> "How can I ever repay you?" she asked breathlessly, the slit on the side of her skirt opening like a fresh wound. I may be slow, but I'm not stupid. I stared her right in the eyes and said with a steady voice, "Let me bill you." A little intimacy was all I needed. That's all Duck Tracy ever needs.

[ Copyright 2009 by Chris White/TopFive.com ]

Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 9, 12

 

Teacher's Salary

This is an oldie but goodie:

Teachers' hefty salaries are driving up taxes, and they only work 9 or 10 months a year! t's time we put things in perspective and pay them for what they do…baby-sit!

We can get that for less than minimum wage. That's right. Let's give them $3.00 an hour and only the hours they worked, not any of that silly planning time.

That would be $19.50 a day (7:00 AM to 3:30 (or so) PM with just 25 min. off for lunch).

Each parent should pay $19.50 a day for these teachers to baby-sit their children.

NOW...

How many do they teach in a class, 30? So that's $19.50 x 30 = $585.00 a day. However, remember they only work 180 days a year!!! We're not going to pay them for any vacations.

LET'S SEE....

That's $585 x 180= $105,300 per year.

What about those special teachers and the ones with master's degrees?

Well, we could pay them minimum wage, and just to be fair, round it off to $7.00 an hour. That would be $7 x 6 1/2 hours x 30 children x 180 days…$245,700 per year.

Wait a minute--there's something wrong here!

Average teacher salary $50,000/180 days = $277/per day/30 students $9.23/6.5 hours = $1.42 per hour per student. A very inexpensive baby-sitter and they even try - with your help - to EDUCATE your kids!

WHAT A DEAL....

And the parents don't even have to buy us pizza!

Make a teacher smile; send this to someone else who appreciates teachers...

 

Health Insurance Explained

Dan Grobstein forwarded this. It's been posted hundreds of times, so I can't tell who wrote it originally.

Q . What does HMO stand for ?

A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eye.

Q . I just joined an HMO . How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?

A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. The doctors basically fall into two categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and a diploma from a third world country.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A. No. Only those you need.

Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?

A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q . My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand . I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomachache. What should I do?

A. Poke yourself in the eye .

Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick ?

A. You really shouldn't do that.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem . Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his/her office ?

A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20 co-payment, there's no harm in giving it a shot .

Q . Will health care be different in the next decade ?

A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then .

To Your Good Health (because as you'll see, you'll need it !)

 

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION with Dr. Kenmiester:

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good !

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING !!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

*Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about foodand diets.

And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!!"

Wordplay from Kent Peterman

   

• He who jumps off a bridge in Paris is in Seine .    
• A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.    
• Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.    
• Practice safe eating - always use condiments    
• Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.    
• A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.    
• A hangover is the wrath of grapes.    
• Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.    
• Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?    
• Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.    
• Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.    
• When two egoists meet, it's an I for an I.    
• A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.    
• Definition of a will: A dead give away.    
• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.    
• In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.    
• She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.    
• A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.    
• If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?    
• With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress    
• When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds    
• The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.    
• You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.    
• Local Area Network in Australia : the LAN down under.    
• Every calendar's days are numbered.    
• A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.    
• A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.    
• A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.    
• Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.    
• Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.    
• Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to- know basis.    
• Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.    
• Acupuncture is a jab well done.

                                     

The Top 16 Signs Imported Goods Aren't Up to Snuff

I cooked up No. 8
July 31, 2007
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
It seems there's an awful lot of awful  stuff being imported from China these days.
"But Chris," you ask, "How can we tell if  an imported product is of subpar quality?"
16> Let's just say there's something rather twisted about these  wax candles from Brazil.
15> There's an expiration date on your carton of Shat-o #1  Super Happy French Bordo Wine.
14> Occasional shards of flea collar and ID tag indicate this  manufacturer egregiously misinterpreted the concept of  "Puppy Chow."
13> The "Calvin" who's peeing on things in your new car window  sticker actually appears to be Charlie Brown.
12> "Produced Lovingly in China to Help You Imperialist Bastards  Control Your Pet Population."
11> You've never heard of a fishalope before.
10> While Harry Potter certainly has done a lot of scary things  in his books, you're pretty sure marrying Yoko Ono wasn't  one of them.
9> The talking teddy bear you got your child for Christmas will  only say: "Hug me. I'm fat and soft like an American."
8> Your new lambada DVD turns out to be video of an Iranian man  with a ferret in his pants.
7> The Canadian bacon on your pizza tastes just like ham.
6> The very first cotton ball you pull out of the bag has  a scab on it.
5> Your daughter has been crying for a week over Hello Kitty's  lazy eye.
4> That edition of Windows Vista Ultimate you ordered through  the Chinese website for $20? Working flawlessly.
3> Your Persian rug keeps coughing up hairballs.
2> Damn cheap Chinese heroin! An hour later, you want  another fix.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign  Imported Goods Aren't Up to Snuff...
1> NOW ENJOY TOPFIVE GOODNESS FUNNY TIME!!!!  (assembled in the USA from overseas humor material)

[ Copyright 2007 by Chris White/TopFive.com ]

Paris Art Theft Pun

From Kent Peterman:

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After carefully planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "Monsieur, that's the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

(And you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to send this to you!)

Politican Joke

Via Kent Peterman, himself an incipient politician.

An old southern country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.

He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects: - a Bible, - a silver dollar, - a bottle of whisky and - a Playboy magazine "I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna be a Politician!"

The Top 14 Last Words of Jerry Falwell (Part II)

Me? I dreamed up No. 14, along with three other people.

May 18, 2007

14> "Well, I'll be damned!"
13> "Kee-rist! You're doin' it wrong! Lick your hand, sprinkle
the salt, lick the salt, THEN down the tequila."
12> "You remind me of a bit Jessica Hahn."
11> "I wonder what's in this 'Photochop of Falwell rogering
Tinky Winky -- LOL!!' e-mail."
10> "Okay, girls, here's your $1000. Now you two get down to
business first, then I'll join in."
9> "'Full House' is on! Dammit, where's my lube?"
8> "And to follow in my footsteps, I hereby nominate Fred Phelps."
7> "Chris Hansen? Outside with a 'Dateline' crew?!?"
6> "Great news! We were able to get a last minute replacement
to step in as Liberty University's commencement speaker.
Um... Dick Cheney's daughter -- why do you ask?"
5> "Slow down, Pat, this leather corset is *really* making me
sweat!"
4> "Hello, Lynwood Correctional Facility? I'd like to volunteer
to personally minister to your newest inmate, Ms. Hilton."
3> "Young lady, are you familiar with the ancient religious
cleansing ritual known as bukkake?"
2> "I'd sell my soul for a bag of Funyons right about now."

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Last Words of Jerry Falwell...

1> "Whew! They don't call you Oral Roberts for nothing!"

[ Copyright 2007 by Chris White/TopFive.com ]

=========================

Selected from 132 submissions from 49 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
------------------------------------------------------------------
Pam Wylder, Bloomington, IL -- 1, 13 (27th #1)
Michael Cunningham, Woodridge, IL -- 14
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 14
Stephen A. Segall, Poplar Bluff, MO -- 14
Josh Sinnett, Bellingham, WA -- 14

 

The Plaint Of The Office Worker

[not exactly humor, but certainly light verse!]

by Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe

I counsel the excessed,
the returnee, and the "recycled,"
the 'silent 80 percent" who
type our letters and file papers.

I counsel the women office workers,
the Nine to Fivers,
who believe that
"a secretary's pad is to write in,
not spend the night in."

I counsel the amanuensis
who copies what another dictated:
gobbledygook, officialese, federalize,
and pentagonese.

I empathize with the movement
from Honey to Money
I empathize with the
"cute little chicks"
and the white collar worker:
a desk jockey.

I counsel the happy office people, too:
the Joy Pol! loi,
the G/G Friday--the Person Friday,
and the secretary drowning in the
typing pool.

I empathize with the recipient of
secretarial jokes:
"Today is Administrative Professionals Day,
Take yours to lunch--take mine, too.

I counsel those being replaced
by office robots (Robot Redford and Beeping Tom),
and devoted employees who say, in Latin,
"Id in machinam schidarum scindendarum
incedit" (It fell into the shredder).
I've seen the future...and it glows.

I counsel those who, when asked to get a
broker on the phone, say, "stock" or "pawn"?

I counsel the "Administrative Assistants"
in their office landscaped, partitioned,
non-windowed offices,
climbing the ladder s o s l o w l y.

_____
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is the author of a
book titled, "Are Yentas, Kibizers, & Tummlers Weapons of Mass Instruction?
Yiddish Trivia."

Don't Be So Picky

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.

Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they're afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but are easy.

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now, men on the other hand, are like a fine wine.

They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.