About Marriage

(reprint from July 12&19, 1999)

Unusually smart San Francisco Chronicle columnist Jon Carroll had this to say on July 6 (down at the end of his column)

Marriage is not for sissies. Marriage is a lot like life, only with more fun parts. The stupid people have opinions about marriage, and these opinions are called ``values.'' My experience with marriage is that it is as fluid as water and as complex as the human mind, and that everyone does it differently and the only secret is showing up every day with an open heart.

And from my late mother:

Having been married for 47 years to the same man, my entire adult life as a matter of fact, and having seen many marriages come and go and stay besides my own, I have formed many opinions about the institution, and as usual, am not shy about expressing my opinions. ( wonder where Paul got this quality?)

The main thing I have learned about marriage is that it seems to rotate through three cycles, many times. The first is the cycle when both partners are truly there in the relationship, working on it and in it, happily or unhappily. The second occurs when one of the partners is nor there, mentally and/or emotionally, and the third is when both partners have simply left the relationship mentally and emotionally, and it is during this cycle that marriages dissolve if they are going to. At least half of the time, the marriage does not dissolve, it simply goes into another cycle and continues on.

The most painful cycle is obviously the one in which only one of the partners has taken a leave of absence, and this seems to be the cycle which hits the most often-the mystery of why some couples make it and others don't seems to me to be in the fact that the partners somehow realize that the cycles don't last and that life does go on and change, and sometimes for the better !

Also, I have to say that from my own experience I have come to believe that it is all a matter of trade offs, what are you willing to give for what you hope to get? What are you getting that makes up for what you are not? Balance, ah yes, there is the mystery - how do we keep our lives in balance, keep our marriages in balance - juggling the cycles and hoping the together one will last for longer and longer periods as we grow old together - - or not !

Thanks mom. It's worked for me. That, and making sure to always know that you can't live a shared life with a series of 1-1 ties, so one of you gets a tiebreaker vote in each aspect of the marriage (home, child-rearing, finances, television, vacations). The process is informal and shifting, but as long as you give up some tiebreakers and your spouse gives up others, things will work out.

Comments

[Robert E. Malchman]

Best description of marriage I've ever heard is that it's like being in a small business partnership that's always in danger of going under.