Influence a Great Work of Art

tl;dr
Imagine standing behind Leonardo da Vinci while he painted the Mona Lisa and saying, “Lennie, the smile needs some work.” This is your chance to live something like that dream, and influence another great work of art.

As Clark Smith once said of another song, this is draft 0. As folk singer Tom Rush says, “First it has to be true, than it has to rhyme.”

I am seeking advice from the 88 people I know best: you all.

I already got rid of the word “swell.” If you see anything else that needs a red line, feel free to share. I must say I finally achieved an internal rhyme; in fact, several.

Your Amazing Eyes

(CHORUS)

Your gaze so sweet, every day,
When turned on me, it seems to say
I Love You.

(Verse)

Your lovely eyes, invigorating,
I cannot help but praising,
Your eyes, mesmerizing.
Your eyes always start my day,
Whether skies are blue or gray,
Love is what your eyes convey.
Your amazing eyes.

(CHORUS)

(Verse)
The night we met, ‘twas plain to see.
In your eyes, love running free;
It was in you, It was in me.
We both felt real joy and glee.
We could see ‘twas meant to be.
I saw nothing was amiss,
In your amazing eyes.

(Chorus)

What was there was truth, not lies.
All was real, no disguise.
Clear blue skies behind blue eyes,
A place where no one ever cries.
Finding it just took three tries.
I saw birds who sang their song,
In your amazing eyes.

(Chorus)