- If you say “I’m surrounded by idiots,”what’s that say about you?
- If you have to choose between your friends and your reputation, choose your friends
- Ignore them, they're idiots
- When your friends are in trouble, man up
- No one is paying any attention
- The masses are asses
- Never allow a day to go by without saying I love you to as many of your loved ones as you can. That way you will never have to say “I wish I told them I loved them.”
- Write your own obit so it features what YOU think is important (and is actually readable, not boilerplate)
- Agree in advance with family on what they will say were your last words. You may not be able to think of anything snappy at the time of death
- The past is history, the future is a mystery, that’s why they call it the present
- Steak should be rare: just walk the cow through the kitchen to warm it up
- This is the best moment of my life
- Hate is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies
- Nice doesn’t cost any more
- It’s nicer to say you were wrong than be told you were wrong
- It’s almost never personal
- It's almost always personal
- It could be worse
- Know when to quit: go out on top
- For every closed door another door opens
- If your mother says she loves you, check it out
- Never let the facts get in the way of a good story
- No one can ever revoke your poetic license
- Everyone who could dispute your version of the past is dead. So keep telling it the way you remember it ― or wish it was
- Make sure you write down all the family stories while they’re fresh in your mind (while the firsthand witnesses are still alive). If you don’t, you’ll end up kicking yourself. Hard
- Figuring out when it happened isn’t worth the effort. Just say “about 10 years ago,” even if the question is “when were you born.”
- The two most important words in a 50-year marriage are “yes, dear”
- You can never know the inside of another marriage, don’t pretend you do
- Everyone you meet has a life you can’t possibly understand
- Treat your word as your bond
- Never treat anyone else as if their word is their bond
- Never lie unless it’s absolutely necessary and there’s no chance of being caught
- All resumes are works of fiction; shoot to be Hemingway and not Dr. Seuss
- While traveling there is no problem that can’t be solved with money
- Looking at the prices in Disneyland is against the rules; just open up your wallet and shake it until all the money falls out
- Advice is worthless. An empathetic ear is priceless
- Your free speech ends where my nose begins
- Something is better than nothing
- Life is a precious gift, accept it gracefully
- Pain is what you make of it
- Always accept help when offered
- Put sleep first
- Cherish your health and mobility; you will miss them when they are gone
- Always choose peace over victory in a marriage
- Love IS all you need. That and gratitude
- Forgive faster, deeply and sincerely
- Grudges and estrangements are dumb. Don’t hold them, let them go
- Don’t carry a fool’s load
- The correct work-life balance involves as little work as possible
- The damn job will be gone in 20 years; your family will still be here
- Only fools work nights and weekends
- Make sure your legacy includes kindness.
- It doesn’t cost any more to be kind.
- Your goal should be three kind acts per day
- Listen more, talk less (aspirational)
- It’s a good day if you cause four people to smile
- Always tip the musician
- Always overtip. It’s nothing to you and everything to them
- To be real, love has to go both ways
- If your family and friends don’t like her, walk away. Ditto if hers don’t like you.
- Never marry a woman you haven’t lived with first
- The longer the wait between the proposal and the acceptance, the more likely things will work
- Women are people too. And they can propose, rather than waiting for the man to do so.
- Genders are different. It doesn’t mean one is better than the other, or have anything to do with their chances of success in any way
- Management are idiots. If you become a manager, you become an idiot
- Never cross a picket line
- If offered a choice, always patronize union facilities over non-union facilities
- If the headline raises your blood pressure, don’t read the story
- No one is paying you to read the newspaper; you don’t have to read every story every day
- Never care what the neighbors think unless you know them, like them and respect them. Anyone else’s thoughts and opinions can and should be ignored (see “ignore them they’re idiots”)
- You must accept change; that doesn’t mean you have to like it. It is not equal to improvement
- The two most important days in your life are the day you were born and the day you figure out why
(bonus lessons)
- Don't let fear rule your life
- In the long run, we're all dead, so everything matters now
- Life is short, and then you die. Have a nice day anyway
Or Life is a witch and then you fly - Life is unfair, get over it
- Life is like a sewer, you get out of it what you put into it.
- Life is like a shit sandwich; every day you take another bite
- “Life is but a dream.” A widely held religious/spiritual view. “Sha-boom.” A widely heard 1955 lyric
- Do stupid, foolish things when you are young; it gets harder later
- Don't just do something, stand there (usually)
- You learn something new every day--if you're paying attention
(Clark Smith bonus lessons)
- If someone offers you a mint, always take it.
- Never say “No problem” for “You’re welcome;” best is “My pleasure.”
- Honor the Sabbath and keep it holy.
- If a headline ends in a question mark, the answer is always “No.”
- Splitting an infinitive is not a crime.
- Every human being is a miracle.
- Celebrate sensation, even when it hurts.
- Your children are not yours.
- Live to serve.
- Call your mother.