P.S. A Column On Things

Humor Template 3: How Many… Lightbulb

I was put in mind of this by a recent comic strip: “How many paranoids does it take to change  a lightbulb? Who wants to know!”

My personal favorite "How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but the bulb has to really want to change."

There are literally hundreds of these. The format is seemingly simple, but it’s at its best when it makes fun of a stereotype.

Here’s my attempt at a new one.

“How many nine-inch pianists … none. He misunderstood you and tried to have sex in a lightbulb.”(requires knowledge of an obscure joke)

Humor Templates 2: Walked Into A Bar

There are a number of humor templates that go in and out of style (mostly out). Most of those from my youth have disappeared. Feel free to rain down your examples, or any genres I may have missed.

One perennial that never seems to go out of style is the “Walked into a Bar” template. Usually three somethings, sometimes two or one.

One of my all-time favorites:

A guy walks into a bar. He sets a tiny piano down at the bar, and the tiny pianist starts playing up a storm. The bartender looks at the man and says, "That's amazing, where did you get that?" The man replies, "There's a genie outside your bar that will grant you one wish."

The bartender runs outside and sure enough there is a genie. Without hesitation the bartender says "Genie, I wish for a million bucks!" The genie snaps his fingers and disappears. Instantly, a million ducks fly overhead.

The bartender walks back inside and says, "Hey man, I think there's something wrong with that genie. I asked for a million bucks, but he gave me a million ducks."

The man says, "You're telling me. You think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?"

Simon Rich wrote a humorous essay about this joke from the perspective of the pianist.

Other good ones:

A hippo, a priest and the number 7 walk into a bar.

The barkeep says, “What is this some kind of joke?”

A reliable sub-genre is the “Minister, Priest and Rabbi” joke.

A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar. The rabbit says, "I think I'm a typo."

Next Week: Tom Swifties

Humor Templates 1: Chattanooga Choo-Choo

There are a number of humor templates that go in and out of style (mostly out). Most of those from my youth have disappeared. Feel free to rain down your examples, or any genres I may have missed.

Are you smarter than the Internet? One Sunday in the spring of 1975, when I still read the New York Times religiously (in essence, as a wire-service reporter, I was paid to read it), the New York Times Magazine featured a whole page of these jokes; maybe by William Safire. Don’t send the letter to the editor. That’s easy to find.

One choo-choo joke that I am certain was on that list was the result of a talkative Indian religious leader coming to church:  “Pardon me, goy, is that the chatty guru’s new pew?”

These jokes often require a long shaggy-dog story to make complete sense, but here’s a few that I think stand alone.

“Pardon me, (James)Bowie, is that the captain who's accused you?”

“Pardon me, Roy (Rogers), is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?”

A luxury store offers Native American Moccasins so a customer inquires of a young clerk,  “Pardon me, boy, is this the tag on Gucci's Sioux shoe?”

A few weeks later, a letter to the editor of the Times asked, “Pardon me. Oy! Is this the rag to turn for news to?”

Next Week: Walked Into A Bar