P.S. A Column On Things

Humor: Religious Truths

You’ve probably seen the poster. Here is the longer text version.

• TAOISM: Shit happens
• ZEN BUDDHISM: What is the sound of shit happening?
• BUDDHISM: If shit happens, it really isn’t shit.
• PROTESTANTISM: Let shit happen to someone else
• ATHEISTS: Shit happens for no apparent reason
• ATHEISTS: I can’t believe this shit
• HARE KRISHNA: Shit happens/ Shit happens/ Happens, happens/ Shit happens
• CONFUCIANISM: Confucius says: "Shit happens"
• HINDUISM: This shit happened before
• CATHOLICISM: If shit happens you deserve it
• AGNOSTICS: Facts happen
• EVANGELISTS: Send me £8 million or shit will happen to you
• BUDDHISM: If shit happens, it isn't really shit
• ISLAM: If shit happens it is the will of Allah
• JUDAISM: Why does shit always happen to us?
• CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS: Only good shit happens
• JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES: Let us in and we will tell you why shit happens
• RASTAFARIANISM: Let's smoke this shit
• MATERIALIST: Whoever dies with the most shit, wins!
• MILITANT AGNOSTIC: I don’t know shit, and neither do you.

A Little Humor

Here are some humor items to bring a smile to your face at year’s end. Just read them, then make like a bakery truck and get your buns out of here.

Paul On The Top5

In its heyday (and mine) my submissions frequently made the Top5 list. I don’t have all my winners by far, but there’s a good sample here, of the times when I came out on top.

For those too lazy to follow a link, here’s a true story about one of my items.

Al Gore, Thief of Bad Gags
(5/15/2000)

Al Gore has been using jokes from the Top5 list, the Internet humor cooperative I contribute to, without credit. In particular, he used a joke of mine that was a runner-up (it didn’t even make the list!) of Jewish Country and Western Songs:

"My Foot's On The Glass, Where Are You?"

For a guy whose whole knowledge of Jewish wedding customs comes from attending a half-dozen friends' weddings, I thought the joke wasn't bad. I told a reporter for the Chicago Tribune I'd write jokes directly for Al if he asked me. So far, no one's called.

Humor Template 3: How Many… Lightbulb

I was put in mind of this by a recent comic strip: “How many paranoids does it take to change  a lightbulb? Who wants to know!”

My personal favorite "How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but the bulb has to really want to change."

There are literally hundreds of these. The format is seemingly simple, but it’s at its best when it makes fun of a stereotype.

Here’s my attempt at a new one.

“How many nine-inch pianists … none. He misunderstood you and tried to have sex in a lightbulb.”(requires knowledge of an obscure joke)

Making The Top Five

I recently pulled a rare double play on the Top 5 list, admittedly a double-length one. The topic two days in a row was Signs Your Presidential Campaign Is Cooked. My two winners:

Oct. 30 Top 5: Your poll numbers took a nosedive when your baseball-hating VP came out against both Mom and apple pie

Oct. 31 Top 5: The ghost of Francis Scott Key demands you stop playing the Star Spangled Banner at rallies.

Humor: AI Robots and Captcha

Thank you Steven Vaughn-Willams for putting this on LinkedIn, predicting future responses to Captcha’s “I’m Not A Robot.”

• I’m not a robot, but not judging those who are.
• Define robot.
• I’m not a robot, but I know you are so this feels a little hypocritical.
• I reject the binary assumptions underlying this statement.

I’m not a robot, but I’m willing to convert.

Humor: Gardening Help

An old Italian gentleman wanted to plant his annual tomato garden. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son:

“Dear Vincent, I am pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa.”

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

“Dear Papa, Don't dig up that garden! That's where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie”

At 4 am, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day, the old man received another letter from this son:

“Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you, Vinnie”

Humor: Jesus at Dinner

[Thank you Clark Smith]

One evening, Jesus walks into a restaurant with his 12 disciples following him in. The Maitre D greets him and says. “Good evening sir, how can we help you today?”

Jesus responds, “Yes, we’d like a table for 26 please”

The Maître d' looks confused for a second, before gathering his composure. “But sir, there are only 13 of you?”

Jesus responds, “Ahh, yes…. but we’re all going to sit on one side of the table”.

Humor: Biden Plans

I made theTop 5 List!

Other Things Joe Biden Is Going To Do Instead Of Running For President

My winner: Show up on time for the Early Bird Dinner for once.

My Losers: “Lambada and Macarena” and “Drink a case of Diet Mountain Dew.”

Humor: Shaggy Dog Joke Academic Joke

A student comes to a young professor's office hours.

She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. “I would do anything to pass this exam.”

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, “I would do...anything.’

He returns her gaze. “Anything?"

“Anything.”

His voice softens. “Anything??”

“Absolutely anything.”

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study?"

Rowan and Martin’s Laugh-in

One of my favorite shows in high school, and a favorite of my friends, was the Rowan and Martin Laugh-In. Like much 60s humor, it is now cringeworthy (stereotyping gays and women), but it was funny at the time. We must just accept art for the context in which it was created. Everyone at KBPS,  my high school radio station, was in awe of the work of Gary Owens, the on-screen announcer (read about one of his shticks, making up meanings for the acronym NBC). You can hear his voice here, but rest assured the date is wrong. This is late Owens, not early Owens.

For more, catch the Netflix special Still LAUGH-IN: The Stars Celebrate, or any of the original episodes on Amazon Prime. You bet your bippy.