Humor

Here are some stray pieces of humor I have collected:

 LEXOPHILIA!

 Although not in the dictionary, it is reported that "Lexophile" describes a person who loves sentences such as, "You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish," and, "To write with a broken pencil is pointless."

 An annual competition is held by the 'New York Times' to see who can create the best original lexophile saying.

Among this year's submissions:

 ◾I changed my iPod's name to Titanic.  It's syncing now.

 ◾England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

◾Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

   ◾This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore.

 ◾I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

 ◾A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

   ◾When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

 ◾I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

◾A dentist and a manicurist married.  They fought tooth and nail.

   ◾A will is a dead giveaway.

  ◾With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. 

◾Police were summoned to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

  ◾A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

   ◾The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.

 ◾He had a photographic memory, but it was never fully developed.

◾When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

   ◾Acupuncture is a jab well done.  That's the point of it.

 ◾I didn't like my beard at first.  Then it grew on me.

 ◾Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?  

 ◾When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

   ◾When chemists die, they barium.

 ◾I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

◾I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.  I just can't put it down.

Sex Cliché Shaggy Dog Story

What can I say? In 2000, I thought this was funny. I suspect I could cancelled for it today, but I’m willing to run the risk for a good shaggy dog story.

German Joke

A woman who did not speak German was making out with a German man. He kept saying, “Nein, Nein, Nein,” but she kept at it because she thought he was rating her 9 out of 10.


Signs Mr. And Mrs. Claus Are Going Through A Rough Patch

I made No. 1 again on the Top 5 List. My submissions:

NO. 1: Santa wakes up to find Vixen's bloody head at the foot of the bed. (changed to Dasher because that’s what editors do)

WORTHY BUT UNUSED: When Mrs. Claus tells Santa his goose is cooked she isn't talking about a bird.

While Mrs. Claus is working with the elves, her name appears on the naughty list.


Family Newspaper Ownership

The family that owns the Seattle Times makes me continue to wish that the Jacksons still owned The Oregon Journal (and that Newhouse hadn’t shot it in the head), the De Youngs still owned the Chronicle and that the Grahams still owned the Washington Post. Vulture capitalists and rapacious, penny-pinching chain ownership (HELLO NEWHOUSE) are destroying a public service industry I once served and loved. When this slow-motion train wreck (or controlled flight into terrain) was just underway, a venerable Texas journalist had the right idea:

I don't so much mind that newspapers are dying-it's watching them commit suicide that pisses me off.
-Molly Ivins


Humorish: I’m Not A Doctor

As always, the best humor in the Internet is Top5.

I frequently use a variation of the trope “I’m not a doctor, but I do play one on television.” Mine is, “I’m not a computer expert, but I did play one on television,” for a decade on the PBS Show Computer Chronicles.

In an effort to discover the etymology of the phrase I discovered a roaring controversy… well OK, a whispering one.

Here is the official version, but let me note that I am calling it false, without having the truth. I just know the trope was around before 1971, when my WTBS colleagues created a commercial for Damitall which began, “I’d not a doctor, but I do play one on television, and I’m being paid to ask you this important question…” Most of the humor in the show was borrowed and ancient, so I figure the trope was around in the 1960s.