Paul on the Top5 List (Full Text)

Back in the dark ages of the Internet, I was a regular contributor to Topfive.com, which later became Humorlab, which later became defunct.

Around the time of the AntMan movie:

July 2015
I made the HumorLab list --almost number one!
And the Number Two Ant-Man Pet Peeve.. I'm ignored by clerks at the DMV. Oh wait...

MACARENA/LAMBADA

I regularly submitted items with “Lambada” or “Macarena” in them. They have ALMOST all disappeared down the memory hole, but I saved the ones I made.

The Top 16 Surprises in the New “Star Trek”
November 2005
Kirk and Spock first met during the Academy’s mandatory Macarena training.
(Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA) Honorable Mention

And another:

The Top 16 Phrases Not to Use in First-Date Dinner Conversation (Part II) 
June 9, 2005
16> "at the last 'Star Trek' convention"
15> "stupid disclosure law requires me to"
14> "my resurrection after three days"
13> "bitches who insist on child support"
12> "after the aliens probed me"
11> "when *I'm* produce manager"
10> "trumped-up child-molestation charges"
9> "my lambada teacher"
8> "every single episode of 'Gilmore Girls' -- twice!"
7> "now look, little missy"
6> "my former pimps"
5> "Humane Society restraining order"
4> "ignorant Scientology-bashers"
3> "made entirely of boogers"
2> "your Chicken McGrill"
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Phrase Not to Use in First-Date Dinner Conversation...
1> "my soundproof dungeo-- er, basement"
[ The Top 5 List ]
[ Copyright 2005 by Chris White ]
=============
Selected from 187 submissions from 66 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
---------------------
 Martin Bredeck, Hybla Valley, VA -- 1 (13th #1)
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 9, 16

The Top 16 Surprises in the Arnold Oui Magazine Interview
Twice in one week--I'm back in the saddle again!
September 12, 2003
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
An interview that bodybuilder Arnold Schwarzenegger gave to Playboy's Oui magazine back in 1977 has come back to haunt politician Arnold Schwarzenegger. In the interview, Arnold admits to participating in group sex and to smoking pot and hashish.
Here's the link: http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/arnoldoui1.html
However, we know that our subscribers are busy people and won't have time to read the whole thing, so we put together a Cliff Notes version for you....
16> Tried steroids once, but didn't inhale.
15> He adopted his accent because his real voice sounds like Jerry Lewis' in "The Nutty Professor."
14> "I'm hoping dat bodybuilding will open some doors for me in de exciting field of computer electronics."
13> He was Arnie, the unintelligible Mousketeer.
12> Lou Ferrigno is ticklish.
11> Arnold's bodybuilding secret: Alternate Lambada with Macarena.
10> Likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain.
9> His confusing the word "bicep" with "bisexual" often lead to some wacky hijinks.
8> "Dis one time, at weight camp...."
7> Back then, he was known around the gym as "Onan the Masturbarian."
6> Who'd have thought? Weightlifting can actually pave the way to occasional heterosexual encounters.
5> He can play Austrian folk songs by rubbing his buttocks together.
4> Once invaded the Sudetenland all by himself.
3> Misread studio signs and spent six days working in a movie called "Pumping Ron."
2> "Just for da record: Dat wasn't a ham sandwich Mama Cass choked on."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Surprise in the Arnold Oui Interview...
1> "Drug use, heavy drinking, womanizing -- dey should make me an honorary Kennedy!"
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
================================
Selected from 120 submissions from 46 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
------------------------------------------------------------------
Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 1 (28th #1/Hall of Famer)
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 11

The Top 16 Signs It's Time to Clean Out Your Medicine Cabinet
No. 12 is one of my persistent Macarena submissions that finally made the list.
September 28, 2001
16> "For refill, ring KLondike 6-4-3."
15> The leeches look they might have turned.
14> You've forgotten which one was the rectal thermometer.
13> You just read the most influential book of your life, written by Mary Baker Eddy.
12> They no longer manufacture an anti-Macarena drug.
11> Funny, you don't remember being prescribed mouse turds.
10> That birth control prescription labeled "C. Levy" is more than a bit incriminating.
9> The dim glow from the bathroom is keeping you awake -- but you don't have a night-light.
8> A tiny cockroach rehab clinic has been set up between the aftershave and the aspirin.
7> Why keep that Preparation H? It was the worst-tasting toothpaste ever.
6> The drill bit you use to let the "bad ayre" out of your skull can't be sharpened.
5> Your Viagra has been sitting next to the toothpaste so long that you can't squeeze the tube without dinner, a movie, and 40 minutes of foreplay.
4> Your nosy neighbors leave the bathroom saying, "Don't touch me."
3> The Brylcream can go -- the last time you ran your fingers through your hair was when you cleaned out the drain.
2> There's a skeleton on the other side with a note saying, "Hi, Guy!"
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign It's Time to Clean Out Your Medicine Cabinet...
1> Was there ever really a "Preparation A?"
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
==================
Selected from 127 submissions from 47 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
-----------------------------
Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC -- 1, 16 (32nd #1 / Hall of Famer)
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 12

Other Top 5 Lists with Paul

The Top 14 Last Words of Jerry Falwell (Part II)
Me? I dreamed up No. 14, along with three other people.
May 18, 2007
14> "Well, I'll be damned!"
13> "Kee-rist! You're doin' it wrong! Lick your hand, sprinkle
the salt, lick the salt, THEN down the tequila."
12> "You remind me of a bit Jessica Hahn."
11> "I wonder what's in this 'Photochop of Falwell rogering
Tinky Winky -- LOL!!' e-mail."
10> "Okay, girls, here's your $1000. Now you two get down to
business first, then I'll join in."
9> "'Full House' is on! Dammit, where's my lube?"
8> "And to follow in my footsteps, I hereby nominate Fred Phelps."
7> "Chris Hansen? Outside with a 'Dateline' crew?!?"
6> "Great news! We were able to get a last minute replacement
to step in as Liberty University's commencement speaker.
Um... Dick Cheney's daughter -- why do you ask?"
5> "Slow down, Pat, this leather corset is *really* making me
sweat!"
4> "Hello, Lynwood Correctional Facility? I'd like to volunteer
to personally minister to your newest inmate, Ms. Hilton."
3> "Young lady, are you familiar with the ancient religious
cleansing ritual known as bukkake?"
2> "I'd sell my soul for a bag of Funyons right about now."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Last Words of Jerry Falwell...
1> "Whew! They don't call you Oral Roberts for nothing!"
[ Copyright 2007 by Chris White/TopFive.com ]
=========================
Selected from 132 submissions from 49 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
------------------------------------------------------------------
Pam Wylder, Bloomington, IL -- 1, 13 (27th #1)
Michael Cunningham, Woodridge, IL -- 14
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 14
Stephen A. Segall, Poplar Bluff, MO -- 14
Josh Sinnett, Bellingham, WA -- 14


The Top 13 Little Known Phobias
I agree with my correspondent Barry Surman that No. 9 is actually the funniest. I submitted 10 and 11
================================================================
13> "Hey, this is a nude beach! I ain't getting in that cold water!" -- Shrinkaphobia
12> "Get that #$%#-ing vodka bottle away from me!!"
-- Carmenelectraphobia
11> "He's coming straight for us--with his left turn signal on!"
-- Oldfartophobia
10> "You have to push 'Start' to turn the damn computer off?!"
-- Windophobia
9> "I won't go to your frat house to eat gyros and watch a tape of the Israel Philharmonic Orchestra on your old Sony VCR!"
-- ThetaFetaMehtaBetaphobia
8> "Tonight on Paramount: 'Come quickly Gabrielle! We must s" <click!>
-- Xenaphobia
7> "NO!! Don't call the plumber!!!"
-- Buttcrackophobia
6> "No, I don't want to watch 'Friends'. That blonde chick freaks me out."
-- Phoebephobia
5> "Uhm, Doctor, why are you putting on that rubber glove?"
-- Probeophobia
4> "You're busy Saturday? Well, how about next weekend then?"
-- Rentanotherpornophobia
3> "It's NOT my imagination! Senator Helms is looking at me that way again!"
-- Homophobophobia
2> "Wait! If we impeach him, then the new President will be..."
-- aGoreophobia

and Top5's Number 1 Little Known Phobia...

1> "Honey, I bought a Corvette!"
-- Smallpeniphobia

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
[ You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we. ]


Top Ten Signs Your Dot.Com is close to "THE END"...
Feb. 19, 2001

My colleagues Tom LaSusa, Ethan Welkes and Chandra Steele wrote this first class piece of work:
10) To save money, everyone in office required to use one email address
9) Company car traded in for second hand Razor Scooter
8) One of your web developers is spotted on the corner with cardboard sign
reading "Will Code For Food"
7) Desktop PCs replaced by Atari 2600s and Crayola Caddys
6) When cruising Monster.com, you spot your CEO's resume
5) IT starts putting price tags on your computers
4) HR folks enter rooms humming "The Imperial March" from Empire Strikes Back
3) Despondant CEO replaces free Friday Morning Lattes with Cherry Kool-Aid
2) Everyone's afraid to drink the Kool-Aid
And the number one sign your dot.com is close to the end...
1) Your Domain name's on eBay


The Top 15 Political Valentine's Day Cards
No. 8 with no bullet…
Feb. 14, 2001
15> To Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, from George W.:
If I could sample what's beneath that robe,
my heart would go pitter-patter.
But I've already received your Valentine's gift:
the White House on a platter!
14> To George W. Bush, from Osama bin Laden:
I could KISS you for endorsing
the work I try to do.
You see, my many endeavors
are mostly faith-based, too!
13> To Allen Greenspan, from NBC's Andrea Mitchell:
Don't worry about last night --
lots of guys get irrationally exuberant!
12> To Tipper, from Hillary:
Your husband's a schmo, my husband's a ho.
Let's ditch them both and give it a go.
11> To George W. from Dad:
You've made me proud again, my son,
by moving into my old home.
But I ran out of favors getting you there.
Don't screw up now -- you're on your own!
10> To Karin Stanford, from the Reverend Jesse Jackson:
Though we now are parted,
my heart still turns to mush,
Ever since that night we shared
a magical "Rainbow-PUSH."
9> To Linda, from Mr. Ed:
I must admit, my dear Ms. Tripp,
You really turn me on.
I've not been graced by such a face,
Since I was on the farm.
8> To William Rehnquist, from James Baker:
Thanks for the vote, you ended the strife.
So this Valentine morning, we're releasing your wife.
7> To John Ashcroft, from Senate Democrats:
Of *course* we can be bipartisan,
and reach out across the aisle.
Here's a sentiment our heart is in:
We salute you, sir! Sieg heil!
6> To Hillary, from Bill:
Please forgive me, Valentine,
for my wandering erection.
But what was I supposed to do
during your eight-year yeast infection?!
5> To Katherine Harris, from a secret admirer:
Roses are red, violets are blue.
There's a rainbow of colors slathered on you!!
4> To All the Girls I've Loved Before, from Bill Clinton:
My valentines, two years ago,
you each gave me a hickey.
Last year you showed your love again,
with Oval Office quickies.
This year I've given something back,
the explanation's tricky...
a Latin phrase describes it best --
it's "Veni, V.D., vici."
3> To Elizabeth Dole, from Bob Dole:
The sun, how it sets, like the falls of Niagra...
but the sun also rises -- like Bob Dole on Viagra!
2> To Barbra Streisand, from George W.:
You talked about secession,
now pack your shit and leave.
And don't threaten me with Brolin --
that dude's more whipped than cream!
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Political Valentine's Day Card...
1> To Tipper, from Al:
How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways...
No wait, that's not right.
Let me count again...
Darn it, that's not it, either.
One more time...

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
==========================
Selected from 62 submissions from 34 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
----------------------------------------
Spike Jones, Atlanta, GA -- 1 (11th #1)
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA – 8

 The Wrong Magician
March 31, 1999
Just barely made the list at 13.
The Top 13 Signs You've Hired The Wrong Magician
(Part I)

13> Saws a gummie bear in half, then puts it back together.
12> Insists that his magic won't work if he puts his clothes back on.
11> "The Amazing Kevorkian" is scaring the hell out of Grandma.
10> Makes a bird appear for the kids by simply raising his middle finger.
9> Replaces pulling a rabbit out of his hat with the slightly racier pulling the "big snake" out of his pants.
8> She closes her eyes, then claims to be invisible.
7> His first and only trick: The Amazing Disappearing Bottle of Jagermeister
6> During one trick, screams "Pick a freakin' card already or I swear I'll blow the little birthday boy's head off!"
5> Begins by saying his first trick "relies on the magic of sweet, sweet love."
4> His biggest trick? Converting a sixer of Coors into "liquid gold" -- eventually.
3> Smoke emanating from more than just the fingertips of The Magnificent Flatulo.
2> Before every trick, tells hostess: "For this one I'm going to need to borrow your bra."

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You've Hired The Wrong Magician...

1> Her "magic words" after sawing a volunteer in half? "Ohshitohshitohshit!!"

[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]
[ Do not forward, publish, broadcast, or use in any manner ]
[ without crediting "The Top 5 List at www.topfive.com" ]

Selected from 136 submissions from 52 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
----------------------------------------------------------------
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 13

The Top 15 Bill Gates Penny-Pinching Tips
First double-play in a long time: 9 and 13.
October 2, 2000
 
Note from Chris: Forbes magazine reported that Bill Gates' fortune has fallen from $85 billion to $63 billion. TopFive sat down and came up with a few ideas for how Bill could lower his monthly budget...
 
15> Switch to *single* ply hundred dollar bill toilet paper.
14> A dirty set of monogrammed China and Waterford Crystal can, surprisingly, be re-used if cleaned with soap.
13> Insist lawyers turn off Justice Department lights when they leave.
12> Swipe a few cents from the penny cup at every Starbucks in Seattle.
11> After getting hit in the face with a pie, ask for a doggie bag.
10> Make those $7 haircuts last an extra week or two.
9> Only reboot the house twice a day.
8> Setting up a batch of overseas companies: $25,000,000; Liquidating and transferring all assets: $50,000,000; Flipping Janet Reno the bird as you relocate to a third world country: priceless.
7> Cut back on helicopter runs to the store for milk.
6> Fire the marching band that follows you around playing the Star Wars Imperial March whenever you walk down the hall to take a leak.
5> Quit spending billions on Pokemon merchandise on Ebay.
4> Nightly strolls through Microsoft headquarters to turn off the monitors.
3> Suspend construction of the Death Star for a few weeks.
2> When hiring staff for your evil lair, remember that one angry Bobby Knight is worth a hundred killer defense androids.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Bill Gates Penny-Pinching Tip...
1> From now on, just watch "Star Trek" on TV -- no more paying Nimoy and Shatner to act out episodes in your living room.
 
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]
==============================
Selected from 140 submissions from 48 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
-----------------------------
Marshal Perlman, Minneapolis, MN -- 1, 7 (4th #1)
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 9, 13
Chris White, Irvine, CA -- List owner/editor

The Top 15 Signs "Star Trek" Characters Are Backing a Politician
I cannot remember the last time I had two entries on one list... and I am too lazy to go and look it up.
September 4, 2002
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
Ohio gubernatorial candidate Tim Hagan is married to actress Kate Mulgrew -- Capt. Kathryn Janeway on "Star Trek: Voyager." She's helping to raise money for hubby's campaign, with the help of other members of the "Star Trek" family, including William Shatner.
"But, Chris, how can I tell if 'Star Trek' characters are backing a politician?
15> Intern under his desk has three arms and is named Xeelox.
14> Campaign commercials continually attack opponent as being "illogical."
13> Secret Service detail all seem to be wearing red shirts.
12> Her big campaign promise is to rename the "Star Wars" missile defense system.
11> Campaign rallies always seem to end up in fistfights over the relative merits of Kirk and Picard.
10> Advertising campaign is entirely in Klingon -- and it's working!
9> Voters are confused as Commander Data appears more life-like than candidate Gore.
8> Opponent has bruises on his neck from all the pinching during debates.
7> Other candidates forced to prove that they are not, in fact, "Pro-Tribble."
6> It's hard to hear the rally speeches over the sound of all the inhalers.
5> Her numbers are up in the important "single male over 25 living in his parents' basement" demographic.
4> Your opponent's campaign poster: "Phasers On Stan!" Your name: Stan.
3> He's sporting a pair of oversized pointy ears -- and he isn't Ross Perot.
2> Well, if you can find a ridge on that alien-looking guy's forehead, he's a Klingon -- otherwise, he's James Carville.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign "Star Trek" Characters Are Backing a Politician...
1> Every time an intern enters the room, campaign chairman Scotty yells, "She's gonna blow!"
 
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2002 by Chris White ]
====================
Selected from 98 submissions from 39 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
------------------------
Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 1 (23rd #1/Hall of Famer)
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 10, 11

The Top 15 James Bond Movie Titles if Pierce Brosnan Doesn't Retire Soon
Apparently, I am destined to spend the rest of my life in the middle of the list, and only now and then. Well, no. 10 beats not making the list at all! Hall of Fame, here I don't come.
August 20, 2001
15> Glovedfinger
14> Never Say Never Again, Thanks To Viagra
13> Dr. No Bladder Control
12> Grumpy Old Spies
11> The Spy Who Loved Me On The Third Try, Then Rolled Over and Slept All Afternoon
10> Dude, Where's My Aston Martin?
9> From Tampa, With Love
8> For Your Good Eye Only
7> Dr., No! Not Another Prostate Exam!
6> On Her Majesty's Coroner's Table
5> Lawnraker
4> The Man With the Golden Girls
3> License to Kill (Daylight Hours Only)
2> Octogenarianpussy
and Topfive.com's Number 1 James Bond Movie Title if Pierce Brosnan Doesn't Retire Soon...
1> ColdSphincter
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
===============
Selected from 174 submissions from 60 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
----------------------------
Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 1 (20th #1 / Hall of Famer)
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 11

 The Top 14 Signs Satan is Loose in Manhattan
Note the entry at No. 7; woo-hoo!
December 1, 1999
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
Arnold Schwarzeneggar's new movie, "End of Days", is about Satan coming to Manhattan to find a wife, settle down, and start a family.
The Top 14 Signs Satan is Loose in Manhattan

14> The murder rate has actually gone *down*.
13> Red guy with horns standing outside The Today Show's window with a sign that says, "Katie, I love you!"
12> Leona Helmsley turns up pregnant.
11> www.gnashingteeth.com just had a $15 Billion IPO.
10> Wanton violence... um, no.
That godforsaken odor... ah, scratch that.
The undead walking the streets... er, maybe not.
I give up -- What *are* the signs??
9> Proposed new subway "H" line would run up Second Avenue, take a sharp turn, and head into the Earth's molten center.
8> David Letterman's studio mysteriously warms up to a balmy 50 degrees.
7> Times Square is looking eerily wholesome these days.
(Oops! That's a sign DISNEY is loose in Manhattan.)
6> Guys with hooves and horns, engulfed by fire, are out hailing cabs -- and still getting picked up before Danny Glover.
5> Cab drivers suddenly speaking in a foreign tongue -- English.
4> Apartment rentals in Hell's Kitchen way, WAY up.
3> Newest Broadway smash: Beelzebublin'!
2> Relieved New Yorkers now have someone they can feel good about voting for in the upcoming Senate race.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Satan is Loose in Manhattan...

1> New total: 666 Starbucks locations!

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

=================================
Selected from 121 submissions from 45 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
-------
John Gephart IV, Harrisburg, PA -- 1 (Woohoo! 1st #1!)
Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY -- 7, 9
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 7
Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor

The Top 13 Signs You're Addicted to MTV
No. 7 again, in a big four-way tie.
December 3, 1999
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
Today's topic was the idea of the fine young men and women of Ms. Barb Silvey's class at Rogers High School in Spokane, WA!
13> Your daily mantra: "Carson Daly is *soooo* talented."
12> Watching "Road Rules" reruns has begun to affect your job -- stalking Martha Quinn.
11> You're still P.O.'d you didn't win John Cougar's little pink house -- and you're gonna make life miserable for that loser who did, if it's the last thing you do.
10> You invent a sex life just so you can talk to Adam and Dr. Drew.
9> Your master's thesis? "Puck's Eviction: A necessary move, or the evil plan of that whiny little bitch, Judd."
8> Although you could make a killing on eBay, you refuse to part with your beloved J.J. Jackson action figure.
7> You think The Real World is just that.
6> You lost a 10 grand bet on the "Rock-N-Jock Celebrity Kickball/Trampoline/Spelling Bee Challenge" when Pamela Anderson somehow spelled "endocrine" during a backflip.
5> Your bracelet says, "WWPD", for "What Would Puck Do?"
4> You communicate exclusively in hip-hop slang, even though you're a white geek from Idaho.
3> You just can't understand why Ms. Silvey rejected your term paper comparing and contrasting "Catcher In The Rye" with TLC's "No Scrubs."
2> Your IQ is... Your IQ is... Your IQ is... 'bout 80.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You're Addicted to MTV...
1> You refer to your grandmother's funeral as "Nana Unplugged."
P.S. Hey, Ms. Silvey's class -- Who's your daddy?
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
==========================
Selected from 103 submissions from 40 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
------------------------------------------------------------------
Joe DiPietro, Brooklyn, NY -- 7
John Gephart IV, Harrisburg, PA -- 7
Mark Schmidt, Amsterdam, Holland -- 7
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 7
Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 7 (Hall of Famer)
Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor

 The Top 15 Reasons to Send Elian Back to Cuba
OK, it's a three-way tie for 13th, but at least I'm back on the list again after a too-long absence. And at least one reader thought my entry should have ranked higher (thanks Barry!)
May 2, 2000
15> To allow hundreds of Florida lawyers to go back to their REAL work -- bilking seniors out of their life savings.
14> To squelch that nagging feeling that he left the iron on.
13> He can't hit his weight, his curveball is erratic, and he runs the bases like a six year old.
12> Siding with Castro for this long is starting to give majority of Americans a rash.
11> Forgot to say "Simon says" so he's gotta start all over again.
10> Cuteness quota here already at dangerous levels until the Olsen twins turn 30.
9> One well-timed travel embargo and 60-70% of the U.S. media is stuck in Havana.
8> Hey, someone has to go forth and spread the Gospel of Pokeman.
7> Michael Jackson seen lurking in the vicinity with a suitcase full of stuffed monkeys.
6> Just to piss off Gloria Estefan.
5> So Miami diner owners can create an "Elian on a Raft" special with a clear conscience.
4> 'Cause that little Commie sissy's afraid of guns!!!
3> It's required by the Coast Guard's catch and release program.
2> Needed for the role of Tiny Tim in the Cuban Thespians Guild production of "An Easter Carol."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Reason to Send Elian Back to Cuba...
1> Just on the off chance that Marisleysis' head might explode on live national TV.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]
===========================
Selected from 130 submissions from 50 contributors. Today's Top 5 List authors are: -----------------------------------------------------
Peg Warner, Exeter, NH -- 1 (9th #1)
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 13
Matt Siske, Dayton, OH -- 13
Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 13 (Hall of Famer)


The Top 14 Reasons to Keep Elian in the USA
Two in one week! Check out No. 10--one of my Macarena submissions!
May 3, 2000
14> Millions already spent promoting new national motto: "America -- Overthrowing Castro One Rugrat at a Time!"
13> Have Donato catch four more, and we can do our own version of Menudo.
12> George Lucas has already cast him in "Episode II" as El-El, a character "just like Jar-Jar only 95% less annoying."
11> Summertime shots of Marisleysis romping on the beach in her bikini if the boy stays. Narf!
10> The U.S. Olympic Macarena Team needs an anchor.
9> The NY Yankees still need a Cuban shortstop to collect the whole set.
8> That curly-haired girl in the Pepsi commercials needs a date for the MTV Movie Awards.
7> He's just been signed to star in the new Latino sitcom, "Elian in the Middle."
6> Somebody's gotta draw "Peanuts" for the next 50 years.
5> Away from the clutches of Castro, he'd be free to do whatever his relatives tell him to do.
4> Kathie Lee's got a supervisor position waiting for him.
3> There's gonna be a Bronco chase somewhere down the line, no?
2> Throw in a few magic dolphins and PRESTO! Instant Sea World exhibit!
 
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Reason to Keep Elian in the USA...
 
1> Haley Joel Osment's already 12, and he ain't getting any cuter.
 
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]
==============================
Selected from 130 submissions from 49 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
----------------------------------------------------
Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 1 (18th #1 / Hall of Famer)
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 10

The Top 16 Airport Security Pick-Up Lines
Nov. 21, 2001. Number 5.
16> "I'm afraid you're setting off a heightened alert in my pants, Ma'am."
15> "The new FAA rules require me to remove your security breeches."
14> "Honey, this is a Bodacious Ta-Ta-sniffing dog, and two barks means you're guilty."
13> "Excuse me, Sir, is that a large organic cylinder I detect in your pants?"
12> "Ever been stripped-searched by a minimum-wage flunky?"
11> "And if I might be so bold, Ma'am, I don't think you'll be needing your seat cushion as a flotation device."
10> "I'm going to have to inspect your package for spores."
9> "Step over here, please. You've set off my babe detector and I'm afraid I'm going to have to scan you with my wand."
8> "I'm afraid you can't pass this point, 'cause you da bomb, Baby."
7> "Sir, can I turn on your laptop?"
6> "If you're finished checking my bag, there's one more pair of underwear to go through."
5> "You know, if we were to make love now, we could have a child before we get to the front of the line!"
4> "Good thing that's not a wood detector, 'cause you'd keep me here all night."
3> "Has anyone unknown to you handled those funbags?"
2> "What say we dump Gramma here out of the golf cart and go cruisin'?"
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Airport Security Pick-Up Line...
1> "So do you have any condoms that aren't full of heroin?"
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
==========================
Selected from 124 submissions from 48 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
-----------------------------------
Dan Johnson, Champlin, MN -- 1 (7th #1)
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 5

The Top 15 Signs You're Not Getting a Bonus This Year
Tied for 13th!
December 15, 2003
15> You've been assigned to bake five dozen Ebenezer Scrooge cookies for the annual holiday party.
14> Your last pickup basketball game with the guys from the office was played "shirts and no-bonuses."
13> Your CEO delivers his annual holiday message via satellite from the Cayman Islands and ends with "So long, suckers!"
12> Heck, your last *paycheck* was scratched out on a lump of coal.
11> You just buzzed the cops through the front gate at Neverland without checking their badges.
10> Every time you walk past the boss' office, he throws another stapler at you.
9> Your boss flew halfway around the world to meet you for Thanksgiving -- then gave you a fake turkey.
8> Your latest job task: Pilfer office supplies from unsuspecting post offices and copy shops.
7> There won't be anything left for a bonus after they pay off those secretaries you groped.
6> Let's just say that this gig as pyrotechnics engineer for Great White hasn't been the career move you envisioned.
5> Holiday party "buffet" nothing but abandoned lunches from the break room fridge.
4> Your shoe company already gave all its excess cash to LeBron.
3> Your new cubicle doubles as a men's room stall.
2> Bonus, schmonus -- in the grand scheme of things, having your boss walk in while you were banging his wife is reward enough.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You're Not Getting a Bonus This Year..
1> Your cash bonus was confiscated when the U.S. Army captured your boss in a farmhouse outside of Tikrit.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
==========================
Selected from 87 submissions from 34 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
-------------------------------------
Andy Krakowski, Alexandria, VA -- 1, 2, 6, Topic (6th #1/Hat Trick)
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 13
Michael Sheinbaum, King of Prussia, PA -- 13

 The Top 15 Wrigley Viagra Gum Slogans
No. 10 seemed so obvious, yet I wasn't even tied for the slot.
June 30, 2003
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
Chewing gum giant Wrigley has patented an anti-impotency gum that contains some of the same active-ingredients as Viagra.
Seriously.
But how will they market it? Glad you asked...
15> Double your measure, double your gun
14> Share a stick with the one you love
13> Just like the Cubs at Wrigley Field, you, too, will be able to play at night!
12> The flavor that never lets you down
11> We put the "spear" in "spearmint"
10> Double your pleasure, double your fun, halve your whining about how it's never happened before
9> Chew it all the way home
8> New Wrigley's Viagra gum: We bring your thing to life
7> Time for the seven-inch stretch!
6> Melts in your mouth, not in your pants
5> Have you had a stick lately?
4> Hey old man, wanna piece of candy?
3> Recommended by 4 out of 5 dentists as an effective way to fill cavities
2> Forget the flavor -- you'll be like a bedpost overnight
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Wrigley Viagra Gum Slogan...
1> It's Wrigidly Delicious!
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
===================
Selected from 119 submissions from 44 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
-----------------------------
Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 1 (58th #1/Hall of Famer)
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 10

 The Top 16 Snippets of Bad Film Noir Dialogue (Part I)
Check out No. 7, please.
August 14, 2003
16> "He had the look of an ornery cuss who would shoot a man for snoring. I began to suspect that my night at the sleep disorder clinic was going to be a bumpy one."
15> "You ain't allowed back here, gumshoe." "Easy, Sarge, I work part time as a freelance feng shui coordinator."
14> "As I closed the blinds in my office, I could feel her steely gaze upon me even before I wheeled around. Her fiery eyes sparkled like rubies. I knew what she was after. So I handed her my separate bins for trash and recyclables."
13> "The dame pinched my wallet, Johnny. Follow that car, and step on it!" "Who do I look like, King Kong?"
12> "She had the kind of knobs that an old-time radio would be proud of and you wouldn't mind fiddling with to get better reception."
11> "Her perfume lingered in my memory, like that goddamned 'It's a Small World' song."
10> "Midnight. The convention was in full swing. The sound of Klingon filled the room. The dame was nowhere in sight. For that matter, there were no dames in sight."
9> "One flick of my wrist, and her bra unhinged like the gates before a Wembley Stadium soccer match."
8> "She was woman and I was man. Nothing stood between her and me except for a flimsy negligee. I let it slide off me to the floor and stepped toward her."
7> "Thanks."
"Don't thank me yet."
"Too late -- I already have."
6> "The dame standing at the end of the dimly-lit bar wasn't very hot, but she wasn't exactly cold, either. She was lukewarm, like a turkey pot pie in an Easy-Bake oven."
5> "She ate dinner like old people hump -- slow and sloppy."
4> "She was trouble with a capital 'T.' No, more than that -- trouble in all caps. Well, that's maybe a bit excessive. She was lots of trouble, with a capital 'T' and an exclamation point. Maybe two exclamation points."
3> "I ventured into the dark alley with a pounding heart and a spastic colon, hoping neither would give me away."
2> "I've got five bucks that says you won't pull that trigger." "Good. I need that dough to buy bullets."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Snippet of Bad Film Noir Dialogue...
1> "I checked into the hotel across the street from the dame. My room was musty and dingy, and a Chuck E. Cheese sign blinked intermittently in the window, bathing everything in its cheery orange light. But I smelled a rat."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
===================
Selected from 118 submissions from 43 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
-----------------------------------
Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA -- 1 (19th #1 / Hall of Famer)
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 7

 The Top 15 Board Games for Rappers
No. 12 with no bullet at all.
September 15, 2003
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
Mattel recently held a "Break the Safe" competition to showcase the new board game that focuses on teamwork, communication and cooperation. Serving as emcee of the event was rapper/actor/avid board game fan, Ice-T.
15> Mouth T'rap
14> Hip-Hoperation
13> Notorious B.O.G.G.L.E
12> Nosecandyland
11> Trivial Police Pursuit
10> Shizzutes and Lizzadders
9> East Coast/West Coast Risk
8> Baby Got Backgammon
7> Scrabble, Extra Z Edition
6> Parcheesi My Neezy
5> Bitchionary
4> Horny Horny Hip-Hos
3> The Game of 25-to-Life
2> P. Diddlywinks
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Board Game for Rappers...
1> Hell No, I Ain't Sorry, Bee-Yotch
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
===================
Selected from 111 submissions from 40 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
------------------------------
Mark Niebuhr, Minneapolis, MN -- 1 (18th #1)
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 12

The Top 16 Unreleased Disney Movies
Who-hoo! No. 2!
December 1, 2003
16> Herpes the Love Bug Rises Again
15> Pocket Monsters, Inc.
14> In Search of the Castaways' Remains
13> The Inedible-Due-to-Harbor-Pollution Mister Limpet
12> Babes in Neverland
11> Kilo and Snitch
10> The Skanky Dog
9> Bedknobs and Handcuffs
8> Pocahotass
7> Lady and the Cramps
6> Brother, Bare
5> 101 Inflammations
4> DumbHo
3> The Lizzie McGuire/Paris Hilton Movie
2> That Darn Clap
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Unreleased Disney Movie...
1> Darby O'Gill and the Village People
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
====================
Selected from 120 submissions from 35 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
------------------------------
Pam Wylder, Bloomington, IL -- 1, 14 (4th #1)
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 2

 The Top 15 Indications That Military Intelligence May Be Suspect
I'm No. 9
March 9, 2004
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
The TopFive.com Web site is still a bit screwy this morning, but I'm working on getting all the problems resolved on our new server home. Thanks for your patience.
15> It seems pretty far-fetched to classify a 7-Eleven as an "enemy stronghold."
14> Amount of new messages always seems to increase just after dinner at a local Chinese restaurant.
13> The person calling into headquarters claims to be "Major Dick," then breaks down giggling.
12> They've just proudly informed you that they're closing in on Saddam Hussein.
11> "It appears to be the work of Ali al-Plisskin." "Al-Plisskin? I thought he was dead!"
10> Field maneuvers identification manual AHG-412, "Ass vs. Hole in Ground: Distinguishing Characteristics," clocks in at over 400 pages.
9> The latest report from Afghanistan: Osama bin Laden is hiding in the conservatory with a candlestick.
8> The map of Iraq you've been handed shows a large orc settlement just north of Baghdad.
7> Sealed dossier clearly marked "CONFIDENTIAL," "CLASSIFIED," "FOR YOUR EYES ONLY," "SWAK" and "XOXOXO."
6> The CIA just obtained a purchase order for 500 pair of flame-retardant pants.
5> Latest high-definition satellite photos of the insurgent stronghold Samarra show clearly-defined subdivisions of Main Street, Fantasyland, Tomorrowland, Adventureland, Frontierland and New Orleans Square.
4> They report "increased dental chatter" during periods of very cold weather.
3> Recon photos of alleged foreign operative "Jaylo Butay" are regularly found in insecure locations such as bathrooms and barracks.
2> Hidden somewhere in every report: "olin-Cay owell-Pay is an ussy-pay."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Indication That Military Intelligence May Be Suspect...
1> The latest U.N. weapons inspectors' discovery confirms military intelligence's worst fear: oxymoronium.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
====================
Selected from 82 submissions from 31 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
-----------------------------
David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- 1 (12th #1)
Greg Preece, Toronto, Canada -- 9
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 9

 The Top 15 Reasons Top5 Has Never Insulted You (Part II)
July 7, 2003
15> We're still too busy answering "fan mail" from 1999's NRA list.
14> Oh, we have, we have. You're just too obtuse to have noticed. By the way: nice haircut.
13> You rely on Amish AOL for all your e-mail humor updates.
12> It's our fault -- we didn't realize a few people actually voted for Pat Buchanan on purpose.
11> Left-handed feminist surfers are pretty laid back unless we make fun of the way your pendulous breasts swing when you wax your boards.
10> You open your daily Top 5 List e-mail message only to see if there are any pictures.
9> We insult men in descending order of penis size, so you may be waiting a while, Chester.
8> After Bill's repudiation, Ken's interrogation, Hillary's disdain, Linda's betrayal, cable news' vilification, HBO's lack of support and the dismal failure of "Mr. Personality," Top5 couldn't possibly get under your skin.
7> As a Vulcan, you have no emotions.
6> You get automatic immunity because you're a contributor now, unlike that pompous airbag Trebek.
5> Despite your numerous amusing balding middle-aged guy foibles, the balding middle-aged guys who own and write the lists fail to see the humor potential.
4> You always bring twice-baked potatoes smeared with Country Crock and Velveeta to the weekly Top5 staff meetings.
3> Because we're gentle-natured, compassionate folks who would never intentionally hurt anyone's feelings, even a semi-literate pea-brained walking bullseye like you.
2> Alphabetically, you're on our list right after Zone Diet followers and zoologists, Sheep-Boy.
and the Number 1 Reason Top5 Has Never Insulted You...
1> "Sorry, I'm away from my e-mail again today. I'm busy banging yet another bikini model on the beach in the back of my Hummer between bank runs! Hugs & Kisses, Carrot Top."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
============================
Selected from 102 submissions from 39 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH -- 1 (8th #1)
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 5


The Top 16 Cities Named by Potheads
Normally, I print the credits: mine and No. 1. But I was listed for both 7 and 12, as were 14(!) other people, so I decided to omit the credits. Suffice it to say that great minds think alike.
July 8, 2003
16> Cannabismark, ND
15> Tallahashish, FL
14> Roachanoke, VA
13> Browniesville, TX
12> Toke-Yo, Japan
11> Stashville, TN
10> Sacremellow, CA
9> San Anstonio, TX
8> DudeYouJustTotallyJustThrewUpInMyHairrisburg, PA
7> Bong Kong, China
6> Galvistoned, TX
5> Whoamaha, NE
4> Wreckedjavik, Iceland
3> Munchie, IN
2> Hemphis, TN
and Topfive.com's Number 1 City Named by a Pothead...
1> Dorito, Ohigho
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
=========================
Selected from 113 submissions from 45 contributors.


The Top 15 Signs Your Online Romance Is Bogus
July 9, 2003
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
Kassem Saleh, a colonel in the U.S. Army, is alleged to have proposed to dozens of women he met through online dating services.
"But Chris," you ask, "How can I tell if my online romance is the real thing?"
15> Keeps suggesting that you demonstrate the depth of your devotion to each other by exchanging credit card numbers.
14> His IM messages are chockablock with correct grammar usage and impeccable spelling.
13> Subject: "Handsome Nigerian Prince Needs Your Help To Deliver 45M US Kisses"
12> Given [email protected]'s desperate, cheesy come-ons, it's gotta be fake... right?
11> She claims to be both a pop superstar and a virgin.
10> She keeps saying she knows an all-natural, healthy way to increase your manly length by five to ten inches.
9> Says your engagement ring is available "FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY!!"
8> Small trouble: refers to self in third person. Big trouble: alternates between "he" and "she."
7> Strange that a Victoria's Secret model can get so worked up over a "Star Wars" vs. "Star Trek" debate.
6> Your best friend is also involved with an animated paper clip. Could there be two?
5> "... and then I started Top5, which has brought me international fame and millions of dollars. So what do you do?"
4> He's the third astrophysicist this week to ask you to forward a picture of your boobs.
3> Responds to your e-mails with "Are you the Nykeela who's 25 and like walks along the beach or the Nykeela who's so hot she makes the sun seem like a flickering candle?"
2> "Hello, $RECIPIENT_NAME, you're like no other $GENDER I've ever met. I think I'm falling in $EMOTION with you!"
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Your Online Romance Is Bogus...
1> Your 17-year-old hottie slips up and mentions how bad it was in Nam.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
=====================
Selected from 88 submissions from 33 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
--------------------------
Mark Weiss, Austin, TX -- 1, 11 (16th #1)
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 8

The Top 15 Other Grave Mistakes Martha Stewart Has Made
I believe this is the first time I've been No. 5.
June 16, 2003
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
You might have heard that doily diva Martha Stewart is in a bit of trouble, due to her having taken part in some stock trading that the SEC claims was illegal.
You can learn more on Martha's plight by going here: http://www.savemarthastewart.com
What most people don't realize is that this isn't the first time Martha's been in hot water...
15> Put out a plate of Girl Scout cookies at her 11th birthday party, then told everyone she'd spent all morning baking.
14> Failed to have her people whack Cybill Shepherd before she could star in that terrible NBC biopic.
13> Dressed a 7-Eleven hot dog with Grey Poupon and mango salsa.
12> Didn't use the melon baller on her weaselly little stockbroker when she had the chance.
11> Tarragon in bouillabaisse? ARE YOU MAD, WOMAN?!?
10> On one occasion, in a momentary lapse, allowed her cold stare to rise to above 32 degrees.
9> Dedicated an entire show to sphincter-tightening exercises.
8> The Danvers Opening was expected, but then attempting to transform it into a Gunderam Attack was just suicide!
7> Sent a congratulatory case of champagne to Sammy Sosa when he hit his 500th home run.
6> Once disciplined staff with a white garotte after Labor Day.
5> Forgot that it's red wine with illegal stock trading, white wine with accounting fraud.
4> Giant floral centerpiece on her dining room table is made entirely of old, unpaid parking citations.
3> Accidentally voted for Buchanan in '00.
2> Spent many wasted years pining away for Richard Chamberlain.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Other Grave Mistake Martha Stewart Has Made...
1> Wore a camouflage dress to her high school prom.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
=============
Selected from 75 submissions from 40 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
----------------------------------
Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 1 (25th #1/Hall of Famer)
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 5

 The Top 16 Valentine's Day Romance Tips
I'm No. 9.
February 11, 2005
16> When taking her out to a romantic Valentine's Day dinner, be sure to carry her tray. For an extra touch, unwrap her straw, too.
15> Nothing says "I love you" quite like violating her restraining order.
14> Don't get their cards mixed up or you might end up having to have sex with your wife instead of your secretary.
13> If she suggests "trying something different," she means something that involves her.
12> Just because she loved the chocolate hearts last year does not mean she will love the chocolate spleens this year.
11> Suppress the diabolical laughter until after the restraints are buckled securely.
10> Wait at least eight years after your wife dies under suspicious circumstances before proposing to your long-time lover. (Prince Charles only)
9> A quick stop at the cemetery on the way home should save time and money and still produce a beautiful bouquet.
8> A gentleman takes a bite out of all of the chocolates so that his lady doesn't have to guess what each one contains.
7> Save the "keggerator" hat and belching the alphabet for Arbor Day.
6> An extra fiver will insure the video store guy puts a "Terminator" DVD in your "Thelma and Louise" box.
5> Phrases to avoid at dinner: "fully tax-deductible"; "violation of my parole"; "by decree of Lord Satan"; and "unpaid humor-list contributor."
4> If there's any chance whatsoever she might sleep with you, do the safe thing -- get rid of those "Star Wars" sheets.
3> When role-playing, do not suggest that she be the hot chick at work.
2> Start your date as late as possible to lessen the odds your true self will accidentally surface.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Valentine's Day Romance Tip...
1> Your choice of gift tells a woman what you think about her. Roses, for example, say, "No chocolate for you, tubby!"
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2005 by Chris White ]
=======================
Selected from 107 submissions from 37 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
--------------------------------
Danny Gallagher, Tyler, TX -- 1, 4 (11th #1)
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 9

The Top 13 Reasons You Didn't Win the Halloween Costume Contest
(Part II)
13      After your roommate insists on being the front legs, you begin to suspect that a burrito dinner wasn't such a good idea.
12      Your "Ally McBeal" just barfed in the judge's trick or treat bag.           
11      The Nike swoosh -- while obscene to some -- is just not all that scary emblazoned on a white sheet.
10      "Hey! Blue dress with a stain and a cigar! Why didn't I think of that??"         
9        Somehow your Snoop Dog costume just didn't go over that big at the Quayle house.
8        Your kindergarten students failed to see the irony in your "Road Kill Barney" costume.
7        Since few people have actually *seen* the Top 5 List moderator, they don't see the authenticity of the drooling and the strong body odor.
6        Unlike thousands of other Monica look-alikes, the semen on your dress is not *really* the President's semen.
5        Although your "Internal Bus Architecture of the Celeron Chip" costume was a big hit with the other engineers at the office, things are different out in the real world.
4        You can't get the zipper on your Bill Clinton costume to stay down.   
3        In order to enter, you'd first have to log off the Internet -- and pornography doesn't just read itself, now does it?
2        Looks like "Viagra Man" will be spending Halloween in jail for indecent exposure.
1        Something in her eyes tells you there was an inherent flaw in your plan of  dressing up as the hostess' dead husband in order to get laid.
Selected from 118 submissions from 43 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
M.J. Finan, Cleveland, OH -- 1 (3rd #1) Email
Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN -- 2, 9
Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC -- 3, 11 Email / Website
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 4

 The Top 17 Slogans for Hooters Air
Making the list, as one of 10 people with the same idea at No. 17:
17> Where Flight Attendants Double as Flotation Devices
16> Relax -- the Engines Are Real
15> When You Fly Hooters, You Fly the Very Breast!
14> Low Fares, Convenient Scheduling and Humongous Fake Breasts (Not Necessarily in That Order)
13> 38-24-747!
12> We Put the T&A in "Trans-Atlantic"
11> Where Every Seat Is a Cockpit
10> Scenic Mountain Views on Every Flight!
9> We Love to Fly in Chilly Cabins -- and It Shows!
8> Full Upright Position? Count on It!
7> We Defy Gravity Every Day!
6> Official Airline of the Baltimore Aureoles
5> Don't Get Any Smart Ideas About That Bagel on Your Tray, Buddy
4> No, They're Not Natural... but Neither Is Flying
3> Pray for Turbulence
2> Boeing! Boeing!
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Slogan for Hooters Air...
1> This Is One Airline Them Al-Qaeda Freaks Ain't Gonna Be Flying
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2002 by Chris White ]
=======================
Selected from 136 submissions from 50 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
----------------------------
Andrew Thomas, Omaha, NE -- 1 (8th #1)
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 17 (in a 10-way tie--obviously not very original)

 
The Top 13 Changes at Microsoft  as a Result of Antitrust Charges
13> Microsoft offices no longer providing toilet paper bearing Netscape logo.
12> Follow-up release to "IE4" now being referred to internally as "IE5-10, with time off for good behavior."
11> Must say "pretty please with jam on top" before devouring competitors.
10> Cancellation of planned "You'll think what we TELL you to  think!" ad campaign.
 9> Company United Way contributions redirected towards the  "Let's Buy The US Government" fund.
 8> Plans to begin marketing MSFood, MSClothing and MSShelter  quietly tabled.
 7> 10:00 AM: Barksdale visits Gates's office to sign landmark  settlement agreement. 
 10:05 AM: Piranhas beneath trap door get some lunch.
 6> "I don't break for software companies" bumper stickers  removed from corporate limousines.
 5> Internal memos no longer refer to Janet Reno as "liquor  addled she-male."
 4> Kick back for a while, let loser companies catch up.
 3> Now relegated to making large piles of cash, down from  huge buttwads of cash.
 2> Using honesty, humility and cooperation, allow one small  competitor to show a modest profit for three straight  quarters.  Then when they're lulled, club 'em to death  like a baby seal.
 and Top5's Number 1 Change at Microsoft     as a Result of Antitrust Charges...
 1> Tables turned in jail, where Bill Gates has no choice   but to have "Big Louie's Inmate Explorer" installed  against *his* will.
[  This list copyright 1998 by Chris White   ]
[  The Top 5 List   [email protected] http://www.topfive.com  ]
[   To forward or repost, please include this section.   ]
[ You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we.   ]
Selected from 98 submissions from 35 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors are:
----------------------------------------------------------------
Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC   --  1   (13th #1)
Ann Bartow, Dayton, OH --  2, 8 
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA   --  2, Topic 

The Top 14 Dennis Miller Monday Night Football Quotes (Part II)
July 11, 2000
14      "Big deal, so he scored. The last time I saw someone dance like that I had to pay her $20 and have my pants dry cleaned the next day."
13      "That receiver was as wide open as Annabel Chong."
12      "With Browns' ticket prices what they are, you just know that all those dads who brought the entire family to sit in the 'dog pound' are secretly calculating how much blood they are going to have to sell next week to put
11      "Ray Lewis knifed through those offensive linemen like a sucker-punch switchblade slicing between the ribs of some inebriated trash-talking punk outside a sports bar."
10      "I've seen better coverage at an Alan Keyes press conference."
9        "The Cowboy's defense has more holes in it than Ronny Milsapp and Jose Feliciano after a game of lawn darts."
8        "The punt returner got smacked like Nancy Kerrigan's knee on souvenir pipe night."
7        "That secondary provides worse coverage than a Guatemalan HMO."
6        "Concussion? How the hell can they tell? They're *football* players, for chrissakes!"
5        "Is it just me, or are the 49ers doing an awful lot of ass-patting today?"
4        "Their offense is shakier than Katherine Hepburn after an all-night espresso bender at Starbucks."
3        "Check out the helmet hair on Randy Moss, babe! He looks like some freakish anti-Mr. T after a long evening sleeping through 'Aida.'"
2        "That kid's got an arm like Uncle Fester at an exhibition of Pre-Colombian... um, Christ, I lost it. I was going for something thick. So what's with the beard, Grizzly Fouts?"
1        "Ouch! And Marino goes down quicker than his Boonesfarm-infused sister in the back of my '68 Cutlass on our first date after watching 'Love Story' at the drive-in."
Selected from 139 submissions from 48 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 1 (28th #1)
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 6

The Top 20 Items on Capitol Stormers’ To-Do Lists
January 8, 2021

20      Storm Avis and get them to Stop The Count on this rental agreement.
19      Check eBay for bids on the "Pelosi’s desktop knick-knacks" collection.
18      Fold up a libtard and stick him in one of fancy those electoral vote boxes.
17      Hand-wash confederate flag bra in Woolite.
16      Get the Proud Boys to whip up some of those delicious sandwiches they’re famous for.
15      Comb Viking hat, because no one takes a poorly groomed insurrectionist seriously.
14      Check if Jodie Foster is impressed.
13      Back to writing dissertation on Bolivian Political Stability.
12      Post more memes about those lawless BLM thugs.
11      Demand to be crowned prom king; that election was stolen from me back in 1992!
10      Raise bail money by selling "I survived the failed insurgence" T-shirts.
9        Text Mom to make sure no Feds are snooping around the basement.
8        Call that hot Congresswoman you saw in the hall to ask if she noticed the spark between you while she was running for her life.
7        Choose camo pants that work both Senate and House Chambers.
6        Swipe a tube of Lotrimin from Ted Cruz’s desk drawer.
5        Draw a Hitler mustach on the George Washington portrait, see if anyone notices.
4        Beef up the suspension on the General Lee so that it can climb the steps.
3        Figure out how to dub Fleetwood Mac song onto a TikTok of me getting teargassed.
2        Hallmark Channel movie marathon to reconnect with my feminine side.
1        Have my scrotum tattooed with the American flag, and my testicles removed so it can patriotically flap in the breeze.

CREDITS
Selected from 112 submissions from 40 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:
Roy Skogstrom, Pepeekeo, HI — 1 (20th #1)
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA — 18

The Top 22 Songs About the 2020 Election
November 2, 2020

22      Blinded by the Lies
21      You’re So Lame
20      Crazy Train, Finally Pulling Into the Damn Station
19      Ding-Dong! The Mitch Is Dead
18      Suppression
17      Dedicated to the One I Loathe
16      Absurd Lines
15      I Heard It Through the QAnon
14      Comfortably Dumb
13      Highway to Jail
12      Torn Between Two Losers
11      Won’t Get Fooled Agai— Wait… WHO?!? FUCK!
10      Mr. Tangerine Man
9        Nothing Compares 2 Ukrainian Energy Companies
8        Whiter Shade Of Orange
7        He Blinded Me With PseudoScience
6        Give Peaceful Transfer a Chance
5        Papa’s Got a Brand New Laptop Bag
4        Hey Nineteen Thousand Facebook Ads
3        Backed by the USSR
2        Please Please Please Please Please Mr. Postman
1        I Won’t Step Down

CREDITS
Selected from 84 submissions from 29 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:
Tom Stoudt, Fort Washington, PA — 1 (64th #1)
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA — 17

The Top 16 Things Overheard in Voting Lines
November 3, 2020

16      "I knew we should have packed a lunch. And a tent."
15      "Hello Comrade, er, dude. I wish to vote for big orange man who will make America great like mighty Russia!"
14      "How do you spell ‘Perot’?"
13      "No need for exit polling; just count the people in line wearing masks vs those not wearing them."
12      "I may have came for the voting, but I’m staying for the race war."
11      "Are they honking because they support democracy, because they *hate* democracy, or is it just because we’re blocking the road?"
10      "Hey… Macarena! Not bad, everyone! Let’s try again."
9        "It seems like every election we have to wait longer and longer for our vote to not be counted."
8        "Do we Democrats have to wait in line EVERY time we vote today?"
7        "I haven’t seen lines this long since Charlie Sheen’s birthday party."
6        "Welcome to the Houston drive-thru polling place. I’ll need to see your driver’s license, Social Security card, organ donor card, birth certificate, Blockbuster Video membership ca— oh, Republican? Sorry, go right ahead."
5        "Sir, you can check my backpack all you want, but we BOTH know what this empty bottle is for."
4        "Wait, this isn’t the line for COVID testing?"
3        "No, I’m not old enough to vote, but I will be by the time I get to the ballot box."
2        "We’re getting close. I can see the gunfire from here."
1        "Crap, I forgot my guy’s name! It’s the really old white dude, if that helps."

CREDITS
Selected from 54 submissions from 19 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:
Andrea Kelly, Brookeville, MD — 1 (2nd #1)
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA — 4

 The Top 16 Things Overheard in Online School Classes
The list for May 6, 2020
16      "Miss Watson, your face looks weird without tons of make-up on it."
15      "Billy, please tell me that’s a whoopee cushion I keep hearing."
14      "Yes, Kayla, you may use the bathroom. WAIT, FIRST PUT DOWN YOUR PHONE!"
13      "My dad says I only have to pretend to listen."
12      "Pssst! At 11:00 we"re all going to drop our Chromebooks on the floor. Pass it along!"
11      "Students, I can read all your private comments. And just for the record, I am not a dumb whore."
10      "Today in wood shop class we will be making an air guitar."
9        "Miss Jenkins? I don’t feel so good. May I be please be excused to log on to WebMD?"
8        "Sorry, Jimmy, I checked the calendar and it’s NOT no pants day!"
7        "Okay, kids, time to take a 5-minute break for anybody who needs to potty, and so that I can reconsider my life choices."
6        "Homework? No, the dog ate my memory stick."
5        "Before we begin this class on Elizabethan poetry, please be aware that, from time to time, my cat will exhibit his butthole on camera."
4        "Todd, your ‘Todd’s Butt’ background is inappropriate."
3        "Jimmy, I know I said you could do your video report anywhere, but I’m getting dizzy. Please get off the trampoline."
2        "Miss Jenkins, how come our houses look so much nicer than yours?"
1        "Now students, please click on the PayPal logo in the lower right hand corner of your screen and enter an amount equivalent to the grade you would like to receive."
.
CREDITS
Selected from 92 submissions from 33 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:
Dave Henry, Slidell, LA — 1, 10 (41st #1)
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA — 6
Whit Watson, Winter Park, FL — 6

 The Top 17 Rejected Titles for the Movie "Twister"
The list for May 15, 1996
17      "Totally Gone With the Wind"
16      "Lift and Separate"
15      "Boys on the Side — of my Barn"
14      "Summer Film So Full of Special Effects We Couldn’t Fit in the Plot"
13      "The Weather Channel: the Movie"
12      "Schindler’s Twist"
11      "Field of Debris"
10      "Dead Man Flying"
9        "I, Cumulus"
8        "One House Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest"
7        "The Splintered Bridges of Madison County"
6        "Wizard of Oz II: the Search for Toto"
5        "Killer Genuine Draft"
4        "Four Weddings & a Funnel"
3        "Indiana Jones and the Trailer Park of Doom"
2        "A Funnel Thing Happened on the Way to tFarm"
1        "Roofless in Seattle"
.
CREDITS
Selected from 84 submissions from 26 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:
Yoram Puius, Bronx, NY — 1
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA — 17
Chris White, San Diego, CA — List moderator, Topic

 Be sure list securely covers mouth and nose.
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
Everyone having fun adjusting to life
without all the people you normally
count on to handle things for you?
The list for April 7, 2020

The Top 16 Signs You’re Having to
Do Every Damn Thing Yourself Now
16      Your "Chinese food" dinner? Boiled white rice with MSG.
15      Due to lack of fast food options, you’re now forced to screw up your meal orders yourself.
14      You just cant reach that kink in your back no matter how hard you try, but the Happy Endings are still on point.
13      Four words: "Idiot’s Guide to Circumcision"
12      You just invented the Mystery Mullet haircut: party in the front, who knows what the hell in the back.
11      400 rolls of duct tape; zero rolls of toilet paper.
10      Your coke lines more resemble quarry debris than fine powder.
9        The airbag on your neighbor’s riding mower doesn’t deploy upon collision.
8        Your Navajo neighbor just named you "Struggles With Mops."
7        That baloney sandwich just doesn’t taste as good without the daily affirmation on a Post-It note.
6        Cats drink beer, right?
5        Black &Decker really needs to consider a "Not intended for dental work!" label.
4        One umbilical cord slip-up and your son is now your daughter.
3        Congrats, Chef Kevin! You just invented blackened pancakes!
2        The dust bunnies have taken over the guest room, Tribble-style.
1        Your proctologist says your telemedicine appointment will begin as soon as you insert your phone.
.
CREDITS
Selected from 86 submissions from 29 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:
Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA — 1 (73rd #1)
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA — 2
Chris White, Olympia, WA — 12, List moderator

The Top 17 Worst Inventions of The Professor from “Gilligan’s Island”
The list for June 21, 1996
17      Seaweed Schnapps
16      The Monkey-Powered Snow Blower
15      BETA video format (Oops! That’s the worst invention from the professors at SONY)
14      The coconut shell ‘WonderBra’
13      Cream Of Jellyfish soup
12      Two words: Coconut Zima
11      http://www.gilligan.org
10      Line dancing
9        Windows ’65
8        The salt-water bidet
7        Silk preservative that prevents slinky dresses from eventually decaying and falling from the body
6        Potion that forces Ginger to take a three-hour nap… a three-hour nap.
5        Dinghy enlargement procedure
4        In famous banned episode, made Ginger a “little buddy” of her own, using a petrified banana and parts from that portable radio.
3        The Common-Sense Plot Eliminator
2        Ginger Repellent
1        Thurston Howell IV
.
CREDITS
Selected from 128 submissions by 43 contributors.
Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA — 1
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA — 4

The Top 20 Lines We'd LOVE to Hear in a "Star Wars" Movie
June 3, 2002
20> Yoda: "Big these ears are, and breathe through them I can.
Now, the nasty must we do!"
19> Princess Leia: "You're my BROTHER? Well, actually, that
kinda turns me on."
18> Anakin: "MAN, Amidala, you've got a nice pair of tauntauns!"
17> Shmi Skywalker: "So, you had to be a Jedi. You couldn't have
maybe been a doctor?"
16> Jedi Master Letterman: "Amidala, Barbarella. Barbarella,
Amidala."
15> Luke: "C'mon, Uncle Owen, we've already GOT a protocol 'droid.
*PLEASE* can I get the sex 'droid?!?"
14> Obi-Wan: "Congratulations, Jar Jar. Jedi University has
chosen you to be the subject of their next biology lab."
13> Yoda: "Strong is The Force in this one... and large are the
hooters on THIS one!"
12> Mace Windu: "And womp rat might taste like pumpkin pie, but
I'll never know, 'cause I'll never eat the dirty mother*&!%#."
11> Yoda: "My 'English for Dummies' book! Missing it is.
Seen it, have you?"
10> Anakin: "Dooku, you're gettin' a Dell!"
9> Amidala: "That 'show me your light saber' trick was cute when
you were 8, Anakin. Now put your pants back on."
8> Jar Jar Binks: "Doctor saysa meesa gotsa cancer. Meesa only
livesa another month."
7> Anakin: "Not tonight, Amidala -- I'm too tired. Just take my
light saber and put it on 'vibrate'."
6> Yoda: "Full of asthma, he is. Much noisy breathing in his
future, I sense."
5> Darth Gates: "Our Jedi clones are almost ready, too. May I
introduce: Windu 95, Windu 98, Windu 2000 and Windu XP."
4> Jar Jar Binks: "Lawzy, Miz Amidala -- Meesa don't know nothin'
'bout birthin' no Jedi."
3> Yoda: "Dude, was I talking weird again last night? I always
talk like that when I'm wasted."
2> Jabba the Hutt: "...and a Diet Coke to drink."
1> Darth Vader: "Hello, AOL tech support? You have failed me
for the last time..."
Runner Up:
Luke: "My sister! [*SLAP!*] My lover! [*SLAP!*] My sister!
[*SLAP!*] My lover!"
(Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA)

Signs Your Team Won't Make It To The Superbowl
From Sept. 9, 1999:
12> Your quarterback gets sacked more often than a busy hooker.
11> Management's moving of the training camp to Lourdes should have been your first clue.
10> I don't care how much money they paid, it's just impossible to play serious football in Mary Kay Stadium!
9> The backfield refuses to practice on Tuesdays: "It's 'Will & Grace' night!!!"
8> Sportswriters compare your star running back to Sanders --*Colonel* Sanders.
7> New conditioning coach's warm-up drill: A brisk 15-minute Macarena.
6> Your team is now run by the Kansas Board of Education, and they've decided not to allow tackling to be taught.
5> Good news: Nobody tested positive!
Bad news: It was a playbook quiz.
4> Your fastest player's sprinting time is measured in fortnights.
3> "Now starting at running back for the Detroit Lions, number...ah, who gives a shit?"
2> Team refuses to stop holding hands -- even *after* they leave the huddle.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Your Football Team Won't Get to the Super Bowl...
1> Even though the team shelled out $15 Million a season for "the greatest football player who's ever lived", this Pele guy can't catch worth a crap.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
==========================
Selected from 125 submissions from 46 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors include:
------------------------------------------------------------------
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA – 7

The Top 14 Signs Satan is Loose in Manhattan
Note the entry at No. 7; woo-hoo!
December 1, 1999
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
Arnold Schwarzeneggar's new movie, "End of Days", is about Satan coming to Manhattan to find a wife, settle down, and start a family.
The Top 14 Signs Satan is Loose in Manhattan

14> The murder rate has actually gone *down*.
13> Red guy with horns standing outside The Today Show's window with a sign that says, "Katie, I love you!"
12> Leona Helmsley turns up pregnant.
11> www.gnashingteeth.com just had a $15 Billion IPO.
10> Wanton violence... um, no.
That godforsaken odor... ah, scratch that.
The undead walking the streets... er, maybe not.
I give up -- What *are* the signs??
9> Proposed new subway "H" line would run up Second Avenue, take a sharp turn, and head into the Earth's molten center.
8> David Letterman's studio mysteriously warms up to a balmy 50 degrees.
7> Times Square is looking eerily wholesome these days.
(Oops! That's a sign DISNEY is loose in Manhattan.)
6> Guys with hooves and horns, engulfed by fire, are out hailing cabs -- and still getting picked up before Danny Glover.
5> Cab drivers suddenly speaking in a foreign tongue -- English.
4> Apartment rentals in Hell's Kitchen way, WAY up.
3> Newest Broadway smash: Beelzebublin'!
2> Relieved New Yorkers now have someone they can feel good about voting for in the upcoming Senate race.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Satan is Loose in Manhattan...

1> New total: 666 Starbucks locations!

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

=================================
Selected from 121 submissions from 45 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
-------
John Gephart IV, Harrisburg, PA -- 1 (Woohoo! 1st #1!)
Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY -- 7, 9
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 7
Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor




The Top 13 Upcoming NASA Projects
OK, so it was a four-way tie for 11th. Still, I made the list. By the way, all contributors are subject to editing. I thought my entry, "Find Uranus with both hands in a well-lit room" was funnier than "Planet Ass."
December 10, 1999
13> Point Hubbell Space telescope towards Los Angeles and help O.J. find the real killers
12> Remake "Heaven's Gate"
11> Find Planet Ass with both hands
10> Pull up alongside orbiting MIR space station and aggressively rev engines
9> Two words: NASA.com IPO
8> Keep hot side hot, cold side cold
7> Project Scapegoat Locator
6> Debunk that whole "cow jumped over the moon" business
5> $3 million dollar probe to locate all the missing Frisbees on the neighbor's roof
4> "Project Weasel" -- quantitative study of number of M-80s required to blow up Jesse Helms's mailbox
3> Bi-pedal locomotion concurrent with chewing gum mastication
2> Seek signs of intelligent life -- on Mars lander project team

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Upcoming NASA Project...

1> Operation Contact Tom Hanks and Ask Him to Make Another Movie Glorifying the Space Program Before the Public Backlash From Recent Failures Gets Out of Hand
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
==========================
Selected from 141 submissions from 55 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
------------------------------------------------------------------
Curt Cutting, Santa Monica, CA -- 1 (4th #1)
Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC -- 11 (Hall of Famer)
Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA -- 11
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 11
Martell Stroup, Boston, MA -- 11
Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor
David Bowie, Brixton, England -- Ambience

The Top 20 Slogans for Legalized Marijuana
I scored a rare double play, landing both spots 15 and 19 on the list. It isn't the ranking, it's the quantity that counts. I guess I'm ready for a job when legal marijuana comes around.
20> Got Buzz?
19> Pot: When You Care Enough Not to Care At All
18> A Day Without Pot is Like School
17> Weed My Lips!
16> Hey, America -- Let's Blow This joint!
15> What's So Great About Short-Term Memory Anyway?
14> Obey Your Jones
13> Hemp: The world's practical solution to making, like, paper and rope and necklaces and stuff
12> It's Not Just For Glaucoma Anymore!
11> Help Eradicate Road Rage in Our Lifetime
10> Official Sponsor of the NBA
9> Because the waste is a terrible thing to mi... Dude! I totally f***ed that up!
8> Cannabis: The PRE-Coital Smoke
7> This is your brain.
This is your brain on pot.
This is your brain desperately searching for Doritos.
6> When Was the Last Time You REALLY Looked at Your Hand?
5> SMOKE POT! (Did we just say that out loud? Or did we just think it?)
4> Recommended by 5 Out of 5 Deadheads
3> Just Doob It
2> It's the all-the-time smokey, skunky, sticky, greeny, seedy, stemmy, doobie so-you-can-get-high medicine.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Slogan for Legalized Marijuana...

1> Skull-Shaped Bong: $12.00
Primo Maui-Grown Bud: $25.00
Watching Teletubbies with Your Buddies: Priceless

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

------------------------------------------------------------------
Selected from 136 submissions from 49 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors include:
------------------------------------------------------------------
Carla Brandon, San Diego, CA -- 1 (6th #1)
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 15, 19
Eric Huret, Atlanta, GA -- Topic
Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- List Moderator
Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor
ZZ Top, Houston, TX -- Ambience
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]


The Top 14 Atheist Holiday Songs
Tied for fourth…
December 16, 1999

14> O Little Town of Birmingham
13> I Don't Fear What You Fear
12> Oh, Krispy Kreme
11> Angels I Have Heard While High
10> Grandma Got Run Over By a Train, Dear
9> Oh Come *On*, All Ye Faithful!
8> Silent Night. Total F**king Silence.
7> Hark! The Victoria's Secret Angels Jiggle
6> We Kiss You a Mahir Christmas
5> Livin' La Vida Loca -- not that it has anything to do with atheism, but that Ricky Martin is HOT!
4> Whose Kid is This?
3> O Stoli Night
2> Amway -- I'm a Manager

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Atheist Holiday Song...

1> Got Breasts, Ye Merry Gentlemen?

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

================================
Selected from 153 submissions from 57 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeffrey Anbinder, Ithaca, NY -- 1, 3, HM list name (3rd #1)
M.J. Finan, Cleveland, OH -- 4
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 4
Peg Warner, Exeter, NH -- Topic
Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- RU list name (Hall of Famer)
Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor
Billie Holiday, Baltimore, MD -- Ambience
-> Ambience explanation: http://www.topfive.com/html/ambience.htm

The Top 15 Disclaimers Found on Toy Boxes (Part II)
A tie for 11th place on Dec. 20:
15> No beanies or babies harmed in the manufacture of this product.
14> For children ages 4-10, or really wasted adults.
13> Not to be confused with "Poke You Man" by Adult Inflatable Products, Ltd.
12> Caution: Care Bears do not actually care very much.
11> Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish glee in real life than it does in the TV commercial.
10> Failure to fall immediately to your knees in gratitude and eternally thank parents for shelling out $400 and waiting in line behind a smelly woman from Jersey City for two hours to *get* your Sega Dreamcast -- especially when you've already got a Playstation and a box full of games that are now headed for the next garage sale -- may result in bodily injury.
9> Syringe and vaccine sold separately.
8> Do not stare at product. Hey! You're doing it now! Cut that out!!
7> In case of breakage, scream until dad buys a replacement.
6> Do not attempt to combine your Ultra Mega Warrior with your
cat to make Ultra Mega Cat Warrior.
5> For eternal use only.
4> For best results, consume hard liquor prior to assembly.
3> Talk to your doctor before using Xenical Barbie. Xenical Barbie not intended for children less than 20% above their ideal weight. Discontinue use if oily leakage occurs.
2> Replacement blades and toes not included.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Disclaimer Found on a Toy Box...
1> Warning: Although technically a game, Parcheesi sucks.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

==========================
Selected from 136 submissions from 47 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
---------------------------------------------
Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 1 (33rd #1 / Hall of Famer)
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 11
James Holt, Knoxville, TN -- Topic
Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor
Goo Goo Dolls, Buffalo, NY -- Ambience

 

The Top 12 Things on Charlie Brown's To-Do List
Then, an 8-way (!) tie for 7th a few days later:
December 23, 1999
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
Charles Schulz, the creator of "Peanuts,"
is going to retire the comic strip, with
January 3rd's strip being the last one for
Charlie Brown, Snoopy, Lucy and the gang.

12> Bite into Peppermint Patty and get the sensation.
11> Cash the Met Life policy and jet off to Juarez with the little red-haired girl to see if "collar and cuffs" match.
10> Speak to my shrink about that jazz piano music that follows me around everywhere.
9> Get Peppermint Patty that Indigo Girls album she's been asking
for.
8> Begin rap career as Snoop Master C.
7> Two words: new shirt
6> After bottling it up for almost 50 years, go to a local mall and just curse wildly at children for a few hours.
5> Get barber school tuition from Dad. Blow it on booze and hookers.
4> Tell the dog that if he can pilot a plane, he can get his own damn dinner.
3> Begin auditioning actresses for "It's Your First Threesome, Charlie Brown."
2> With Schultz finally out of the picture, stick that football where only Lucy's proctologist can find it.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing on Charlie Brown's To-Do List...

1> Get Prozac, get Rogaine, get Viagra, and get busy with the little red-haired girl.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

==========================
Selected from 150 submissions from 41 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
------------------------------------------------------------------
Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 1 (17th #1 / Hall of Famer)
Joe DiPietro, Brooklyn, NY -- 7, 8
Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA -- 7, Runner Up list name
Ann Bartow, Dayton, OH -- 7
Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL -- 7
Sue Prifogle Otte, Rushville, IN -- 7
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 7
Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA -- 7
Rob Wolf, Seattle, WA -- 7
Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor
Calvin Broadus, Long Beach, CA -- Ambience

The Top 12 Things Overheard in the Year 2999
OK, they were both ties, but I still got a two-fer, hitting this list at numbers five and seven.
December 29, 1999
12> "Thank you for calling Epson. All operators are currently helping other customers. You have been on hold for approximately... one... thousand... years...."
11> "Senator Thurmond, your wife is on line 3."
10> "Another Christmas like this, and Amazon.com just may turn a profit!"
9> "Chris White, you have been defrosted to stand judgement for the recently discovered document known as 'The Rejected Hurricane Name List'."
8> "I found it on the Galactinet -- I think it's a picture of how humans used to reproduce."
7> "Hi, I'm Dick Clark, here to count you down into the newmillennium!"
6> "I did *not* have cybersex with that netbot."
5> "Okay, I'll go over it one more time: It doesn't really start until January 1, *3001* because..."
4> "Middle East peace talks have been put on hold once again..."
3> "25,000 zelgers, same as on Mars."
2> "We at NASA cannot be discouraged by this recent failure, and we are fully confident that our next manned mission to Mars will be a complete success."

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing Overheard in the Year 2999...

1> "I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of Microsoft..."

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

==========================
Selected from 109 submissions from 40 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
------------------------------------------------------------------
Brian Jones, Atlanta, GA -- 4, 5
Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY -- 4, 12
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 5, 7
Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor

The Top 16 Bad Merger Ideas

A tie for 11th is better than not making the list at all.
January 20, 2000
The Top 16 Bad Merger Ideas
16> Mennen Black & Decker
15> Brother Cannon Sperry Daimler
14> Rubbermaid Snap-On Genuine Parts
13> Olde McDonald's Hickory Farms
12> Eaton Apple Caterpillar
11> Good 'n' Plenty Johnson Wax
10> Motel 6 Hostess
9> Camel Apple
8> Hershey Gateway
7> Microsoft Weinerschnitzel
6> Star-Kist Tuna Aqua Net
5> Blue Cross Dresser Industries
4> Pfizer Wang Boeing
3> Yahoo! Wendy's Intuit
2> Playboy Staples Busch

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Bad Merger Idea...

1> Zippo Johnson & Johnson Hertz

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]
=================================
Selected from 111 submissions from 42 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
-------
Rick Welshans, Alexandria, VA -- 1, 8 (Woohoo! 1st #1!)
Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- 11
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 11
Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor

 

Bad Suspense Novel Metaphors or Similes

Jan. 27 2000, I came in at No. 5:

20> Worn down at the edges like a Times Square hooker, the caretaker's last tooth lay on the floor like a yellow Chiclet.

19> When she stepped out of her dress, she had the body of a 90-year-old nun, if the nun looked as young, attractive, and sexy as the dame standing in front of me.

18> The situation had become topsy-turvy -- like Christmas in the summer, if you're in Australia.

17> The information imbedded on the stolen computer chip was like an explosive so explosive it could explode, creating a massive explosion.

16> As I watched through the slatted shades, her bosom bounce like her suspicious husband's first check.

15> The killer was a misplaced comma in the jaunty, happy sentence that made up the party crowd.

14> His face looked like an ice sculpture. Not one of those pretty ones in the middle of a cruise ship buffet, but the kind they do in a contest with a chainsaw -- and it had been out in the heat too long.

13> Like any family, this house had its secrets, secrets it grimly refused to reveal, and would continue to refuse to reveal even if it could speak, which unlike a family, or at least most members of most families, it couldn't.

12> The air of danger perversely made Nina's nipples harden, like that Magic Shell stuff on a bowl of ice cream.

11> From his vantage point in the balcony, the would-be assassin looked down on the debating candidates like a webhead looking down on an AOL user.

10> The sudden darkness made the Countess tense, like Bobby Jerome that time with the bicycle in 7th grade, remember?

9> There was something funny about the kidnapping crime scene that Special Agent Frievald couldn't quite place, and the thought stuck with him throughout the rest of the day, like those tiny little bits of the circumferent skin from the bologna slices on a foot-long Subway Cold Cut Trio that get stuck in between the last two molars on the upper left, on the tongue side where you can't possibly reach them with a toothpick, your fingernails, or even a systematically straightened paper clip, they just sit there and make every-thing you eat at your next meal taste vaguely like vinegar and mayonnaise, and then somehow -- quietly but miraculously -- they disappear by themselves in the middle of the night while you're asleep, just like the visiting Countess appeared to have done.

8> Her parting words lingered heavily inside me like last night's Taco Bell.

7> The bullet burned Gilmore's gut like the first piss after a long night in a Singapore brothel.

6> A single drop of sweat slowly inched down Chad's brow -- a tiny, glistening Times Square New Year's Eve Ball of desperation.

5> His .38 barked fire, like John Goodman's butt after a chili cookoff.

4> Her blazing eyes dance like Astaire and Rogers, but since they were crossed, it was an ocular tango, and my eyes had to foxtrot just to maintain eye contact.

3> She had a voice so husky it could have pulled a dogsled, and the gun she was holding gave me a bad case of barrel envy.

2> The neon sign reflected off his gun, like the moonlight reflects off my brother-in-law's bald head after a night of beer drinking and cow-tipping.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Bad Suspense Novel Metaphor or Simile...

1> Unable to contain his rage, he burst like a pimple of emotion, the pus of his fury streaking the mirror of calm in the bathroom of his life.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]
==========================
Selected from 86 submissions from 29 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
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Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 1, 14 (34th #1/Hall of Famer)
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 5

Dark Moments in Music (Part II)

Jan. 26, 2000

No. 2, with a bullet!

12> July 16, 1993: Shaquille O'Neal skips free-throw drills to record his first rap album.

11> October 1, 1978: Michael Jackson takes in "Peter Pan" on Broadway and thinks how cool it would be to look more like Sandy Duncan.

10> January 6, 1995: Art Garfunkel gets three fewer hits than David Crosby on eBay when "celebrity musician sperm" is entered in the search box.

9> August 15, 1953: Future songwriter Jimmy Webb forgets his slice of birthday cake outside. Moments later, it begins to rain.

8> June 7, 1966: "Hey, chaps, I'd like you to meet my new girlfriend, Yoko."

7> July 23, 1956: Colonel Tom Parker says to Elvis, "Boy, you're nothin' but skin and bones. You better put on some weight, or people are gonna think you're sick!"

6> October 31, 1975: At a costume party in Greenwich Village, a soldier, an Indian, a biker, a construction worker, a cop and a cowboy all decide, "This is too much fun to do just once a year!"

5> November 17, 1984: "Don't worry, Mr. Dylan, the novocaine will wear off *LONG* before your recording session."

4> September 8, 1949: In Bavaria, Richard Strauss dies.
September 8, 1949: In Greece, Milos Muzak is born.

3> May 21, 1971: In a meat-deprivation-fueled stupor, Paul McCartney tells Linda: "Hey, Luv, why don't *you* play in the band?"

2> Sept. 17, 1955: Young Michael Jagger gets his lips caught in a Coke bottle for several hours.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Dark Moment in Music History...

1> February 16, 1955: After 15 minutes of sitting in a boat listening to "Go Back Home, You Obnoxious Little Foreign Brats!", humorless Disneyland execs decide to look for another composer for their new attraction.


[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]
==========================
Selected from 92 submissions from 34 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
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Larry G. Hollister, Concord, CA -- 1, 5 (28th #1 / Hall of Famer)
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 2

The Top 11 Things Revealed by Instant Replay Review at The Super Bowl

January 31, 2000
11> Position of left foot: in bounds. Position of right foot: in bounds.Position on the role of so-called "soft money" in campaign finance reform: all over the damn place.
10> Missing Mars lander spotted next to the Gatorade.
9> Ref to players after coin toss pick: "Is that your final answer?"
8> Several replays in which quarterback lines up under center are blacked out in Mississippi, due to a new law recently there.
7> A grinning Satan waving contracts at the owners of the two teams.
6> Bud caught putting a cap in Bud Light's ass.
5> The crowd wasn't doing the wave, they were just clearing the air from the after effects of some bad burritos John Madden ate during the pre-game show.
4> After a particularly nasty sack, the tackle tries to apologize by slipping the quarterback some tongue.
3> Flight path of the touchdown pass proves it was thrown not from the 20-yard line, but from the grassy knoll.
2> Turns out Tennessee's mascot is a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing Revealed by Instant Replay Review at the Super Bowl...

1> Hey! That's Janet Reno at linebacker!!!

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]

==========================
Selected from 103 submissions from 38 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
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Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY -- 1 (15th #1)
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 9

The Top 14 Good Things About Having a Navel

March 7, 2000
I made No. 6 on this list

14> Save enough lint -- knit a festive holiday sweater!
13> Airport security never checks there for the sand I steal from Qatar.
12> A permanent-ink marker, the love song from "Titanic", and a creative camera angle might just enable your chubby-faced Celine Dion impersonation to lip-synch its way onto that "Funniest Home Videos" show.
11> Less conspicuous at the beach than a fossilized umbilical cord.
10> Prettier and easier to keep clean than a third nipple.
9> Without one, I'd just look silly when I do my Shania Twain impersonation for my wife.
8> Near-perfect conditions in which to hold the Lint Olympics.
7> Negates the need for a "Start Here" marker for Japanese ritual suicides.
6> Looks bitchin' with a big-ass gemstone in it.
5> Makes a comfy home for crabs who want to commute from the suburbs.
4> Official NASA docking point for full erection.
3> Combine it with a single catchy pop hook? Grammy Award for Best New Artist!
2> Scoot up my T-shirt and voila -- I'm Hirsute Spice!

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Good Thing About Having a Navel...

1> Distracts thieves from your *really* valuable stash of ass-crack lint.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]
====================
Selected from 154 submissions from 55 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
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Kevin Wickart, Normal, IL -- 1 (5th #1)
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 6

The Top 16 Signs Your Cat is Getting Old

On March 9, I made No. 4 on the list:

16> Goes from 22 hours of happy-go-lucky, kittenish sleep per day to 21 hours of restless, fitful sleep per day.
15> All he wants to do is watch "Catlock."
14> Tries to cash in her 8th life insurance policy for a kilo of catnip.
13> Last year: Went a-courtin' carrying a "pencil full o' lead." This year: Goes a-courtin' carrying a 9 Lives tuna casserole.
12> Bitches non-stop about the "bankrupt moral values of kittens these days."
11> Trades in his Whiskas for prune-flavored Whippasnappas.
10> "You call this catnip? Hell, I remember back in the '80s, I once scored some Meowie Wowie that would knock your friggin' claws off..."
9> Instead of shredding your drapes, she sub-contracts the job.
8> Writes "Put me to sleep" in its litter box with pee.
7> When you strap a piece of buttered toast to her back and drop her, she lands on her hip.
6> Stops leaving dead mice on doormats; starts leaving bingo cards.
5> Spends all day on the front porch, yelling at the squirrels to get the hell out of his yard.
4> Occasionally forgets to ignore you.
3> Instead of swaggering up to you and dropping dead mice at your feet, he drives up in his Rascal and pulls them out of the saddlebag.
2> Has to drink a whole bottle of Rogaine just to cough up one hairball.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Your Cat is Getting Old...

1> While his younger friends are out chasing mice, he claims a moral victory in catching the elusive dust bunny.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]

The Top 15 Rejected TV Shows for Kids
March 16, 2000
I made No. 7

15> Sexual Oddities with Larry the Chicken
14> 60 Minutes Sitting Silently in the Corner Thinking About
What You Did
13> Trenchcoat Mafia Ninja Turtles
12> Fat Albert and the Cosby Crips
11> Ritalin Boy and the Overfriendly Gym Teacher
10> Bill Nye the Scientology Guy
9> ABC Afterschool Special -- "Grandpa, I Said NO!"
8> Little Crackhouse in the Projects
7> The Strangers in a Car with Candy Hour
6> Mr. Roger's Neighborhood's Reclusive Cat Lady, Gertie
5> Bob Vila's Workalong Chore Fest
4> Where in the World is My Biological Father?
3> Curious George and His Emotional Rollercoaster
2> Ritalin, the Mellow Clown Who Isn't Any Fun at All

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Rejected TV Show for Kids...

1> Touched by an Anvil -- The CBS Cartoon Hour

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]

==========================
Selected from 188 submissions from 66 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
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Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC -- 1, 8 (17th #1 / Hall of Famer)
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 7

The Top 14 Dennis Miller Monday Night Football Quotes (Part II)

July 11, 2000
14> "Big deal, so he scored. The last time I saw someone dance like that I had to pay her $20 and have my pants dry cleaned the next day."
13> "That receiver was as wide open as Annabel Chong."
12> "With Browns' ticket prices what they are, you just know that all those dads who brought the entire family to sit in the 'dog pound' are secretly calculating how much blood they're going to have to sell next week to put groceries on the table."
11> "Ray Lewis knifed through those offensive linemen like a sucker-punch switchblade slicing between the ribs of some inebriated trash-talking punk outside a sports bar."
10> "I've seen better coverage at an Alan Keyes press conference."
9> "The Cowboy's defense has more holes in it than Ronny Milsapp and Jose Feliciano after a game of lawn darts."
8> "The punt returner got smacked like Nancy Kerrigan's knee on souvenir pipe night."
7> "That secondary provides worse coverage than a Guatemalan HMO."
6> "Concussion? How the hell can they tell? They're *football* players, for chrissakes!"
5> "Is it just me, or are the 49ers doing an awful lot of ass-patting today?"
4> "Their offense is shakier than Katherine Hepburn after an all-night espresso bender at Starbucks."
3> "Check out the helmet hair on Randy Moss, babe! He look s like some freakish anti-Mr. T after a long evening sleeping through 'Aida.'"
2> "That kid's got an arm like Uncle Fester at an exhibition of Pre-Colombian... um, Christ, I lost it. I was going for something thick. So what's with the beard, Grizzly Fouts?"
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Dennis Miller Monday Night Football Quote...
1> "Ouch! And Marino goes down quicker than his Boonesfarm-infused sister in the back of my '68 Cutlass on our first date after watching 'Love Story' at the drive-in."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]
Selected from 139 submissions from 48 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
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Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 1 (28th #1 / Hall of Famer)
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 6
Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor