• Home
  • Archives
  • Profile
  • Subscribe

P.S. A Column On Things

BY PAUL E. SCHINDLER, JR. I am from Portland, Oregon, Beaumont '66, Benson High '70, MIT '74. Some things are impossible to know, but it is impossible to know these things.

Home Archives Profile Subscribe

Paul Schindler: Number 1 on the Top5 (Full Text)

Mafia Nicknames

I am well and truly back at HumorLabs (take out a paid subscription today); the topic is:

Worst Piece of Advice From a Doctor...
1> "Eat more and exercise less; I could use the business."

This is my 17th number one in 18 years of contributing to the list--which means, on average I hit the top once every year.  But of course, from 2003-2014 I didn't participate at all, so actually my average is more like two or three times a year. Maybe if I keep at it I can be inducted into the hall of fame sometime.

Also, The Top 11 Reasons to Visit the Abercrombie & Fitch Emergency Room
6> No one over 30 allowed in, resulting in much shorter lines at the admissions desk.

The Top 20 Least Impressive Mafia Nicknames
The list for June 20, 1996
1        Vinny "The Cosmotologist" Scandaliotta
2        Leo "The Raging Codependent" Pacioni
3        Alphonse "The Senator" D’Amato
4        Herbie "The Accountant" Schwartz
5        Rocco "The Rotarian" Manera
6        Frankie "Right Turn on Red" Ragusa
7        Warren "The Webmaster" Larotta
8        Floyd "The Barber" Barboni
9        Angelo "Spastic Colon" Gasdrulli
10      Mario "The Italian Scallion" Cipolla
11      Mikey "Rubber Glove" Spinetti
12      Carmine "The Lovely Swan" Carpecci
13      Nick "Paper-Cut" Carlucci
14      Bobby "You Wan’ Fries Wid Dat?" Minera
15      Enzo "I Didn’t Mean Nothing By That" Garelli
16      Jimmy "The Guy Who Scratches His Fingernails on the Chalkboard" Genarro
17      Vito "Shaved Back" Laroo
18      Tony "The Chia Pet" Gravano
19      The Hitman Formerly Known As Vince
20      Vinnie "Say It With Flowers" LaRosa

CREDITS
Selected from 163 submissions by 45 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA — 1
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]


The Top 18 Signs Your Mechanic Is Losing It
A golden oldie. Apparently, I have been contributing to Top Five for 11 years, at least, and this was one of the rare (and increasingly rarer) No. 1s I scored. Of course, you can't win if you don't play, and lately teaching and taking continuing ed has sapped all my time. So, I bask in the weak reflected glory of a long-ago triumph...
July 13, 1994.
18> That photo of a naked A.J. Foyt on his wall.
17> You catch him in his office making auto noises and "shifting gears", if you know what I mean.
16> Replaces your fan belt with a pair of bikini underwear.
15> Embroidered "Mr. Bad-Ass Wrench" on his shirt.
14> Hose from air pump leads into his coveralls.
13> Keeps asking if you're sure you don't want a "lube job."
12> Still doing work for OJ and expecting to get paid.
11> Eats Go-Jo off finger as if it were peanut butter.
10> Giggles uncontrollably whenever anyone says, "lug nuts."
9> "Huh huh, he said 'dipstick.' Huh huh, huh huh."
8> Keeps asking you if you've seen that episode of Gilligan's Island where they almost get rescued, but Gilligan screws it up in the end.
7> Believes your Hyundai is possessed by the spirit of Kim Il Sung.
6> Replaces diagnostic computer with Magic 8 Ball.
5> Urinates on your tire and says, "Just marking my turf."
4> Rewires the cruise control to the radio so that the faster the music, the faster your car goes.
3> Owns no wrenches, but complete set of every size monkey.
2> Looks suspiciously like Joe Piscopo. Wait a minute -- He *IS* Joe Piscopo!
and the #1 Sign Your Mechanic Is Losing It...
1> Won't stop humming "The Wheels on the Bus Go 'Round And Round."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1994, 2005 by Chris White ]
==================
Selected from 135 submissions by 44 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
-------------------------------------
Paul E. Schindler Jr., Orinda, CA - 1

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]


The Top 15 Movie Quotes We’d Like to See
(Part II)
15      “Go ahead, make my… man, this gun is heavy!”
14      “Man, that corpse in the front seat of my prop plane is *really* starting to reek.”
13      “For the love of God, can’t you people see it’s not a woman but a man *dressed* as a woman?!”
12      “Well, my dear, let’s just see if you give a damn when I hire the best divorce lawyer in Atlanta and take you for half of everything you’ve got!”
11      “All right. Track down the prop master and get the Orgasmatron back on the set.”
10      “I just felt a great disturbance in The Force — or maybe it was that pastrami sandwich.”
9        “Frankly, my dear, I don’t GIVE a rat’s ass.”
8        “McClain! You know that building you destroyed? It’s coming out of *your* paycheck!”
7        “If you build it, they will pay $45 for box seats.”
6        “For cryin’ out loud, Chewie — use the friggin’ sandbox, willya?!
5        “I’m sorry, Dirk, but I’m just not into long-distance relationships.”
4        “Sorry Captain, I thought there was a Tribble on your head. I’ll buy you a new one.”
3        “Use the fork, Luke.”
2        “No, Monsieur, find something else — I need the butter for the quiche.”
1        “Oh, my God! They killed Freddy! The bastards.”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

CREDITS
Selected from 131 submissions from 44 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA — 1 (4th #1)

The Top 16 Excuses Given for Corporate Layoffs
Nov. 28: We're No. 1:
16> "And now, a reading from the book of Greenspan, Chapter 11..."
15> "Hell, we've spent the next 3 years' payroll defending ourselves against all those sexual harassment suits you gals filed."
14> "We finally found a way to force 12-year-old girls in Malaysian sweatshops to do our middle management for us."
13> "We're moving to Mexico -- and you're not."
12> "Though performance has exceeded expectations, the Web Surfing 'n' Donut Eating Department has been deemed dispensable."
11> "The company just isn't ready for that kind of commitment and needs some space. We still want to be friends, though."
10> "Turns out we're just another front for Al Qaeda."
9> "Replacing you with a monkey would mean more efficiency, *and* less poo on the carpet."
8> "Remember last year's annual report, in which our CEO reported a sizable outlay of capital in the Jalalabad Hilton project...?"
7> "Miss Cleo says you gotta leave, you gotta leave."
6> "Adverse marketplace conditions necessitated a strategic resource reallocation to enable renewed focus on core competencies within key client segments, resulting in headcount rightsizing to hit shareholder-mandated returns. Yeah, that's the ticket!"
5> "Look at it this way -- you can see 'Harry Potter' every day this week if you want to."
4> "Please excuse Johnny for firing all those people. He's a greedy, cold-hearted son-of-a-bitch. Signed, Johnny's Mom."
3> "It's all about providing our customers a quality product, Mr. Scapego-- er, Wilson."
2> "You'll notice your co-workers who haven't been wasting their time with Internet humor lists still have their jobs."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Excuse Given for Corporate Layoffs...
1> "Look, it was either you or someone we like."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
===============================
Selected from 104 submissions from 39 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
------------------------------------------
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 1 (9th #1)
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

Top 15 Signs You're At a Dog Brothel
March 31, 2003
A double-header, including my 12th number one. Some of the entries on this list were a bit over the top, so I'm just giving you the top and the bottom.
March 25, 2003
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
A German artist has applied for a license to open a brothel in Berlin for sexually frustrated dogs. The establishment would offer patrons a variety of carefully vetted "employees" of both sexes, rooms for private encounters and even a "bar" where customers could sniff out their preferred partners.
15> The waiting room is filled with Frisbees and tennis balls.
14> Your "date" insists that you take a pre-encounter flea dip.
13> When you tell the madam you only have fifty bucks, she offers to let you hump her leg.
3> When their time is up, customers get the hose.
2> Your date has quite a nice pair. Heck, she has several nice pairs.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You're at a Dog Brothel...
1> More tail than you can shake a stick at. In fact, shaking a stick is a bad idea.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
========================
Selected from 93 submissions from 35 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
----------------------------------
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 1, 2 (12th #1)
Michael Cunningham, Woodridge, IL -- 3
Chun Ho, Honolulu, HI -- 3

The Top 13 Differences if Animals Played Professional Sports
Monday August 16, 1999
I had the No. 1 item
13> Team of trainers required to get Charlie Centipede's ankles taped by game time.
12> Dennis Rodman FINALLY fits in.
11> Martina Hingis no longer the only bitch on the pro tennis tour.
10> Only jackasses allowed in professional wrestli... er, never mind.
9> New comedy bit: "What's on first?"
8> Fido's big "touchdown dance" consists of trying in vain to catch his tail.
7> Giraffe outfielders put a serious dent in Mark McGwire's home run production.
6> Mike Tyson put to sleep for biting.
5> No one has yet managed to tackle the team's new running back, Paul Porcupine.
4> Sports bras now available with 8 cups.
3> The Chicago Bears have to forfeit second half of the season when the entire team goes into hibernation.
2> Marge Schott? Still a cow.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Difference if Animals Played Professional Sports...

1> Only one camera required to cover the hamster marathon.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
-------------------
Selected from 123 submissions from 48 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors include:
-------------------
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 1 (7th #1)

.

  • .
My Photo

Search PSACOT Using Google

  • .
  • Pre 2005 Search

Want An Email Heads Up?

  • Signup
    If you want a text notification instead, email me

Paul on the Top 5 List

  • Made No. 1 on the Top5
  • Made The Top 5
  • Paul on the Top 5 List
    I appeared frequently on the now-defunct collective humor site Top5. I have gathered my contributions in two groups: When I made No. 1 on the Top5 list and when I just made the Top5 List.

Love Song Recital

  • Love Song Recital
    I sang the love songs I've written to my wife Vicki on the day after my 70th birthday. You can see video links to the concert and the individual songs by clicking the title link for this item.

Love Songs

  • Paul Schindler Love Songs
    Check out my growing list of love songs!

Paul Schindler On TV

  • Paul Schindler on TV
    Starting with

    my 1972 appearance on WBZ-TV's public access show.

    and my 1974 appearance on WGBH (explaining the Alcator nuclear reactor),

    I've been on local and national TV numerous times, mostly as a game show contestant (I appeared on the game shows Wheel of Fortune, Jeopardy, Scrabble , Win Ben Stein's Money and Merv Griffin's Crosswords) and as an author.
    Video of my game show appearances
    Pictures of my game show appearances Here are my journal entries for three of my game show appearances:
    Wheel of Fortune,
    Jeopardy,
    Merv Griffin's Crosswords

    Video highlights of my game show appearances

    Paul On The Computer Chronicles

    I was the weekly software reviewer for the late PBS program The Computer Chronicles (1984-1992), as well as a commentator (1987-88) and a regular on what was the Christmas show and became the Annual Buyers Guide show (1985-1999). The show went out of production during its 20th year, in December, 2002. 

    Paul Schindler Pans Mac
    Supercut of my chronicle reviews
    Software Piracy

Damn Shame

  • Stephen Michael Schindler, RIP March 8, 1954-May 21, 2020
    My brother's obituary

Stories of a Young Journalist

  • Stories of Journalism from a Young Journalist
    These are stories from early in my career

Recent Posts

  • End of March 27 Column (No. 871)
  • Start of March 20 Column. More or Less Continuous News Service since 1998
  • Grandkid Brief
  • Capitalist Crapola
  • Meme O’ The Week: Einstein
  • This and That
  • Right Column Redux: Sam Patch, The Greatest Story Ever Told So Far
  • More on Strategic Bombing
  • Sad Newspaper News
  • Humor: Senior Thoughts

Categories

  • Amusing Bemusing (3)
  • Books (29)
  • Cats (6)
  • Charity (6)
  • Contribution (1)
  • Current Affairs (12)
  • Film (807)
  • Food and Drink (7)
  • Games (1)
  • grandkids (1)
  • Humor (277)
  • KBPS (1)
  • Letter from Britain (4)
  • Letters (432)
  • Link-O-Rama (6)
  • Loving Kindness (24)
  • mali (35)
  • Media (80)
  • Music (56)
  • No Little Things (8)
  • Personal (1192)
  • Poetry (89)
  • Politics (387)
  • PSACOT / ERGO (19)
  • PSACOT/The Tech (6)
  • Quotes (16)
  • Religion (16)
  • Science (42)
  • Sports (1)
  • Television (4)
  • Theater (3)
  • This and That (94)
  • Travel (24)
  • Web/Tech (299)
  • Weblogs (2)
See More

Archives

  • March 2023
  • February 2023
  • January 2023
  • December 2022
  • November 2022
  • October 2022
  • September 2022
  • August 2022
  • July 2022
  • June 2022

More...

Blogrolling

  • Heather Cox Richardson: Letters from an American
    An historian offers a calm daily look at the news.
  • Brendan Leonard: Semi-Rad
    A runner/travel writer's consistently brilliant three-dot blog with funny artwork
  • Richard C. Gross at Counterpunch
    Lucid commentary from a former UPI colleague
  • Phil Albinus
    The personal, professional and political musings of my friend and former colleague of the same name
  • David Strom's Web Informant
    David Strom offers IT industry news and analysis.

Favorite Movies

  • My all-time favorite movie:
    Groundhog Day. I have created a fan site that is universally acknowledged to be the best on the Internet dedicated to this work of art.

    All the rest of my favorite movies (Deadline USA, The Paper, CitizenKane) are Journalism movies.

Paul's Poetry Corner

  • Index of Poems

Paul's Reading Here

  • My Reading List
    As Paul's book list has grown, he has moved it to a separate page.

Statcounter

  • Statcounter
    NO BUTTON

Counter

  • You are visitor number

    website statistics

    since Oct. 16, 1998.


Paul's Permanent Content

  • East Side Boy

    East Side Boy

  • Dormphone Days

    Dormphone Days

  • Jon Carroll Cat Columns

    John Carroll Cat Columns

  • Techweb Audio

    Techweb Profiles

    Byte Week in Review

  • Paul on the Top Five List

    Paul on the Top5 List

  • Rest In Peace

    Richard Parker Tribute

    Edwin Diamond: An Appreciation

    Edwin Diamond at INS

    Ross Snyder Valedictory

    Norman D. Sandler Tribute

  • Elsewhere at Schindler.org

    Paul's Prairie Home Companion Script

    Paul's Lo-Cal Peanut Buttter Substitute

    Paul on Merv Griffin's Crosswords

    Paul on Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune

    PS...ACOT BACK ISSUE archives

    Journalism Movies

    Journalism Quotes

    You COULD Pay For This Column

    Journalism Books

    Larry King: Letters From Europe

    Kevin Sullivan on Teaching

    My Prarie Home Companion Script

    Groundhog Day: Best Film Ever

    Women in Journalism Movies

    Larry King: British Journalists

    Paul's Tales of Teaching

    Sam Patch, The Greatest Story Ever Told So Far

    The New Eugene Oregon Show

    Audio Editing Hacks

    Fun with electronic editing. At WTBS, these were called hacks. Back in the 70s they were done with spliced magnetic tape. Now they can be done with electrons.

    Alphabet Medley

    Frank Sinatra/Ella Fitzgerald Duet: I've Got A Crush on You

    Alphabet Song from single sung syllables

    Ian Shoales: The Internet Years

    Schindler Jingle/Dream of a Lifetime

    Parodies By Paul... and Robert

    Yes, I am the Paul Schindler who predicted, in 1985, when the Macintosh was a year old, that it wouldn't be a success in business. I stand by that opinion. You can see Paul Schindler Pans Mac .

    I did an audio summary of my career in radio and on podcasts: 35 Years Before The Mic .

    I won Karl Kassel's voice for my answering machine because I won the listener limerick challenge on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me .

    I, Paul E. Schindler, Jr., am driving my stake in the ground right here. I invented the podcast in March 2000 when I worked at Byte.com for CMP Media.

    Index of Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe appearances in PSACOT .

    See how I looked in a Computer Systems News house ad in 1979

    Paul Schindler Quote Page .

    Pages

Blog powered by Typepad
Member since 10/2005