I am well and truly back at HumorLabs (take out a paid subscription today); the topic is:
Worst Piece of Advice From a Doctor...
1> "Eat more and exercise less; I could use the business."
This is my 17th number one in 18 years of contributing to the list--which means, on average I hit the top once every year. But of course, from 2003-2014 I didn't participate at all, so actually my average is more like two or three times a year. Maybe if I keep at it I can be inducted into the hall of fame sometime.
Also, The Top 11 Reasons to Visit the Abercrombie & Fitch Emergency Room
6> No one over 30 allowed in, resulting in much shorter lines at the admissions desk.
The Top 20 Least Impressive Mafia Nicknames
The list for June 20, 1996
1 Vinny "The Cosmotologist" Scandaliotta
2 Leo "The Raging Codependent" Pacioni
3 Alphonse "The Senator" D’Amato
4 Herbie "The Accountant" Schwartz
5 Rocco "The Rotarian" Manera
6 Frankie "Right Turn on Red" Ragusa
7 Warren "The Webmaster" Larotta
8 Floyd "The Barber" Barboni
9 Angelo "Spastic Colon" Gasdrulli
10 Mario "The Italian Scallion" Cipolla
11 Mikey "Rubber Glove" Spinetti
12 Carmine "The Lovely Swan" Carpecci
13 Nick "Paper-Cut" Carlucci
14 Bobby "You Wan’ Fries Wid Dat?" Minera
15 Enzo "I Didn’t Mean Nothing By That" Garelli
16 Jimmy "The Guy Who Scratches His Fingernails on the Chalkboard" Genarro
17 Vito "Shaved Back" Laroo
18 Tony "The Chia Pet" Gravano
19 The Hitman Formerly Known As Vince
20 Vinnie "Say It With Flowers" LaRosa
CREDITS
Selected from 163 submissions by 45 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA — 1
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
The Top 18 Signs Your Mechanic Is Losing It
A golden oldie. Apparently, I have been contributing to Top Five for 11 years, at least, and this was one of the rare (and increasingly rarer) No. 1s I scored. Of course, you can't win if you don't play, and lately teaching and taking continuing ed has sapped all my time. So, I bask in the weak reflected glory of a long-ago triumph...
July 13, 1994.
18> That photo of a naked A.J. Foyt on his wall.
17> You catch him in his office making auto noises and "shifting gears", if you know what I mean.
16> Replaces your fan belt with a pair of bikini underwear.
15> Embroidered "Mr. Bad-Ass Wrench" on his shirt.
14> Hose from air pump leads into his coveralls.
13> Keeps asking if you're sure you don't want a "lube job."
12> Still doing work for OJ and expecting to get paid.
11> Eats Go-Jo off finger as if it were peanut butter.
10> Giggles uncontrollably whenever anyone says, "lug nuts."
9> "Huh huh, he said 'dipstick.' Huh huh, huh huh."
8> Keeps asking you if you've seen that episode of Gilligan's Island where they almost get rescued, but Gilligan screws it up in the end.
7> Believes your Hyundai is possessed by the spirit of Kim Il Sung.
6> Replaces diagnostic computer with Magic 8 Ball.
5> Urinates on your tire and says, "Just marking my turf."
4> Rewires the cruise control to the radio so that the faster the music, the faster your car goes.
3> Owns no wrenches, but complete set of every size monkey.
2> Looks suspiciously like Joe Piscopo. Wait a minute -- He *IS* Joe Piscopo!
and the #1 Sign Your Mechanic Is Losing It...
1> Won't stop humming "The Wheels on the Bus Go 'Round And Round."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1994, 2005 by Chris White ]
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Selected from 135 submissions by 44 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
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Paul E. Schindler Jr., Orinda, CA - 1
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
The Top 15 Movie Quotes We’d Like to See
(Part II)
15 “Go ahead, make my… man, this gun is heavy!”
14 “Man, that corpse in the front seat of my prop plane is *really* starting to reek.”
13 “For the love of God, can’t you people see it’s not a woman but a man *dressed* as a woman?!”
12 “Well, my dear, let’s just see if you give a damn when I hire the best divorce lawyer in Atlanta and take you for half of everything you’ve got!”
11 “All right. Track down the prop master and get the Orgasmatron back on the set.”
10 “I just felt a great disturbance in The Force — or maybe it was that pastrami sandwich.”
9 “Frankly, my dear, I don’t GIVE a rat’s ass.”
8 “McClain! You know that building you destroyed? It’s coming out of *your* paycheck!”
7 “If you build it, they will pay $45 for box seats.”
6 “For cryin’ out loud, Chewie — use the friggin’ sandbox, willya?!
5 “I’m sorry, Dirk, but I’m just not into long-distance relationships.”
4 “Sorry Captain, I thought there was a Tribble on your head. I’ll buy you a new one.”
3 “Use the fork, Luke.”
2 “No, Monsieur, find something else — I need the butter for the quiche.”
1 “Oh, my God! They killed Freddy! The bastards.”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
CREDITS
Selected from 131 submissions from 44 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA — 1 (4th #1)
The Top 16 Excuses Given for Corporate Layoffs
Nov. 28: We're No. 1:
16> "And now, a reading from the book of Greenspan, Chapter 11..."
15> "Hell, we've spent the next 3 years' payroll defending ourselves against all those sexual harassment suits you gals filed."
14> "We finally found a way to force 12-year-old girls in Malaysian sweatshops to do our middle management for us."
13> "We're moving to Mexico -- and you're not."
12> "Though performance has exceeded expectations, the Web Surfing 'n' Donut Eating Department has been deemed dispensable."
11> "The company just isn't ready for that kind of commitment and needs some space. We still want to be friends, though."
10> "Turns out we're just another front for Al Qaeda."
9> "Replacing you with a monkey would mean more efficiency, *and* less poo on the carpet."
8> "Remember last year's annual report, in which our CEO reported a sizable outlay of capital in the Jalalabad Hilton project...?"
7> "Miss Cleo says you gotta leave, you gotta leave."
6> "Adverse marketplace conditions necessitated a strategic resource reallocation to enable renewed focus on core competencies within key client segments, resulting in headcount rightsizing to hit shareholder-mandated returns. Yeah, that's the ticket!"
5> "Look at it this way -- you can see 'Harry Potter' every day this week if you want to."
4> "Please excuse Johnny for firing all those people. He's a greedy, cold-hearted son-of-a-bitch. Signed, Johnny's Mom."
3> "It's all about providing our customers a quality product, Mr. Scapego-- er, Wilson."
2> "You'll notice your co-workers who haven't been wasting their time with Internet humor lists still have their jobs."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Excuse Given for Corporate Layoffs...
1> "Look, it was either you or someone we like."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
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Selected from 104 submissions from 39 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
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Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 1 (9th #1)
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
Top 15 Signs You're At a Dog Brothel
March 31, 2003
A double-header, including my 12th number one. Some of the entries on this list were a bit over the top, so I'm just giving you the top and the bottom.
March 25, 2003
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
A German artist has applied for a license to open a brothel in Berlin for sexually frustrated dogs. The establishment would offer patrons a variety of carefully vetted "employees" of both sexes, rooms for private encounters and even a "bar" where customers could sniff out their preferred partners.
15> The waiting room is filled with Frisbees and tennis balls.
14> Your "date" insists that you take a pre-encounter flea dip.
13> When you tell the madam you only have fifty bucks, she offers to let you hump her leg.
3> When their time is up, customers get the hose.
2> Your date has quite a nice pair. Heck, she has several nice pairs.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You're at a Dog Brothel...
1> More tail than you can shake a stick at. In fact, shaking a stick is a bad idea.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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Selected from 93 submissions from 35 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
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Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 1, 2 (12th #1)
Michael Cunningham, Woodridge, IL -- 3
Chun Ho, Honolulu, HI -- 3
The Top 13 Differences if Animals Played Professional Sports
Monday August 16, 1999
I had the No. 1 item
13> Team of trainers required to get Charlie Centipede's ankles taped by game time.
12> Dennis Rodman FINALLY fits in.
11> Martina Hingis no longer the only bitch on the pro tennis tour.
10> Only jackasses allowed in professional wrestli... er, never mind.
9> New comedy bit: "What's on first?"
8> Fido's big "touchdown dance" consists of trying in vain to catch his tail.
7> Giraffe outfielders put a serious dent in Mark McGwire's home run production.
6> Mike Tyson put to sleep for biting.
5> No one has yet managed to tackle the team's new running back, Paul Porcupine.
4> Sports bras now available with 8 cups.
3> The Chicago Bears have to forfeit second half of the season when the entire team goes into hibernation.
2> Marge Schott? Still a cow.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Difference if Animals Played Professional Sports...
1> Only one camera required to cover the hamster marathon.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
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Selected from 123 submissions from 48 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors include:
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Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 1 (7th #1)